How to Negotiate

Rachel Salaman: As negotiation consultants Alexandra Carter and Annette Simmons know well, so much of life is negotiation – at work and at home. What's the best price you can agree with a supplier? How long will your boss give you to complete your project? How much will you pay for your new house? Even what type of takeout will your family be happy with tonight! It all involves some level of maneuvering and bargaining until there's a plan that everyone can agree to.

Not all negotiations have to involve conflict, though. When I talked to Annette Simmons about her book "Whoever Tells the Best Story Wins," she gave me a tactic for taking the heat out of some negotiations – even before they begin!

Annette Simmons: This person may have an objection that you already anticipate. If you can validate that objection in a story and then show how, in this situation, it's not applicable, what you are able to do is pre-empt the bargaining A versus B back and forth that can cost you in terms of what it is that you're putting on the table.

So you validate their concern, and then you turn it around in a way that demonstrates that in this situation, it's not applicable. It's a very, very sweet maneuver that shows respect for their point of view, and also overcomes their objection before they even have a chance to voice it!

Rachel Salaman: Robin Koval is an influential businesswoman and best-selling author. She told me another way to "smooth" negotiations. It's a tactic for keeping conversations focused on solutions rather than sticking-points. And she borrowed it from improv theater!

Robin Koval: When you watch great improvisers, they have to say yes to everything that's put forward, you know, "I like pickles on Mars." "Yes, well that's very interesting. Have you tasted the relish on Venus?" When you do that improvisation, a "yes" keeps the conversation going; a "no" just shuts it down.

And I guess that's our point that if you're not able to agree with what someone is saying... if you're not able to do what someone's asking you to do... then you need to find a way to tell them that, but also put something positive into the mix. "No, I can't come in on Saturday but yes, you can always call me on my cell phone and I'll be happy to stay late on Monday night."

Alexandra Carter: I grew up, like a lot of people, thinking that negotiation was just a back and forth with somebody else over money. And over time I started to see what a narrow and limited and reactive way that was to think about negotiating.

Rachel Salaman: That's Alexandra Carter again – on why negotiation is about much more than battling for what you want.

Alexandra Carter: I teach that negotiation is "steering relationships." What that means is it's not just the money conversation – it means that you are teaching somebody how to value you, how to think about your business, or how to think about you personally. And it means that you're continuing to steer that relationship, long after the contract or the deal.

Rachel Salaman: Alexandra explained that "steering the relationship" like this takes absolute clarity. What do you really want to achieve?

Alexandra Carter: You're looking to do, let's say a home renovation. You're trying to renovate your bathroom in your home – and you sit down with your contractor to start talking about the project. People say to me, "Well, shouldn't I just start… talking numbers?" No!

What's the problem you're trying to solve? If you are trying to renovate your bathroom so that you can sell your home, well, maybe then your strategy is going to be to design a bathroom that's roughly comparable to the homes in the neighborhood that have sold well. If you're renovating because you're going to live in that home for 30 years, well, you have a whole other set of priorities and choices.

And I find that it's the same thing: whether you're going in to ask about a salary or a promotion, whether you are approaching potential clients, the place you want to start is thinking about what problem you want to solve.

Rachel Salaman: Alexandra told me about a client whose girlfriend had sold off almost all of his furniture, bit by bit. He felt pushed into a corner, but he was determined to negotiate a place for his favorite couch. Or was he?

Alexandra Carter: We looked at each other, and I said, "Are we really talking about a couch?" Right!? You know, oftentimes, I think when people are focusing on what they need, they focus on something tangible that is just a symbol for something much, much larger. And so – to use this somewhat humorous but very realistic example – this executive, what he needed was not a couch. He needed respect, he needed acknowledgment for his place in this relationship.

And when we understand what it is we really need, then we can negotiate better. Because we can sit down and, instead of saying, "We're using my couch and that's it!" we can say, "Can we have a talk about our roles in this relationship, right? And how decisions are going to get made between us?" That's what you need in order to be able to ask for more from negotiation.

Rachel Salaman: Alexandra Carter, the author of "Ask For More" – and a negotiation trainer with the U.N.

Psychiatrist and executive coach Mark Goulston also talked to me about clarity. As well as focusing your mind and guiding your negotiating stance, he says that clarity shows others you're a force to be reckoned with. It's the "C" in his CPI model of communication.

Mark Goulston: And CPI stands for Clarity, Preparation and Integrity. Because what I realized is that the opposites of those lose people's respect.

So, if instead of being clear, you're confused or confusing, people lose respect for you. If instead of being prepared, you shoot from the hip and clearly show that you haven't prepared for what you need to do, people lose respect for you. And integrity is about doing what you say you'll do, when you say you'll do it, and taking full responsibility for your actions. Because people who don't follow through on what they say and people who don't take responsibility for their actions lose people's respect.

Rachel Salaman: We'll hear more later about the importance of respect in negotiations, and how to establish it. But sticking with "clarity" for now, what exactly do we need to be clear about? I asked Corey Kupfer, author of "Authentic Negotiating."

Corey Kupfer: It's clarity on your objectives: exactly what do you want on every major term on this deal? What's acceptable and what's not acceptable? And then, not only what's acceptable or not acceptable on each individual term, but then how do they relate to each other, and how do they prioritize.

And that takes a body of work that a lot of people, unfortunately, don't do. So that they don't enter into a negotiation with the level of crystal clarity they need – not only to know where they're going, but also to design a negotiating strategy around those clear objectives.

Chris Voss: First of all, you've got to know what the hard deadlines really are, and they really are hard. Sometimes they are, but they almost never are.

Rachel Salaman: Chris Voss is an FBI hostage negotiator and a professor of negotiation. He's another of our experts who values clarity – particularly about the time pressures affecting both sides. The more you know about those, he says, the greater your negotiating power will be.

Chris Voss: You know, the question is, is that when you need it or when you want it? And then the next thing is, really what's more important is, what's the process? If you have to have a project in in a week, or you have to have an answer in a week. You know, some people might be seduced, if you will, to waiting till the last minute to get an answer. But the process might take a week! So not only do I need to know when your hard deadline is, but what do we have to [do to] get done between now and then, and how long is it going to take.

You know, maybe you want this deal in July... because you want to go on vacation in August. Or you want this deal because your fiscal year is different than your calendar year, and that's going to make a difference in your bonus. Or you want this deal because it's the last Friday of the month and it makes a difference in your bonus.

So… there are different time pressures that are on you that become deadlines, that I can use to my advantage or not. The difference with deadlines is, is what you do to yourself over them. Do you take you hostage on your deadline? And will they take themselves hostage?

Rachel Salaman: Chris Voss. And Corey Kupfer warned about being held hostage by our emotions when we're negotiating.

Corey Kupfer: Most negotiations go off the rails, or people don't get what they want, not because they don't know some tactic or countertactic, it's because they get upset, their emotions get engaged, or they're not clear on what they want and then they don't get there.

It's all of this work that we need: the harder work, the internal work; not the surface-level tactics, that cause negotiations to go bad. People's ego gets engaged, or their fear comes up, or any of these things happen.

So, this is real, practical advice. It may sound soft, but this is really the key to true negotiating success.

Rachel Salaman: So how do we keep a handle on our emotions when we're negotiating? Mark Goulston told me his way of stopping anger clouding good judgment.

Mark Goulston: Some years ago, I developed an approach in therapy called empathogenic therapy, meaning you can't be empathic to another person's point of view and be angry at them at the same moment. It's impossible.

And the reason for that is that when you're empathic, it's a sensory experience, meaning you're taking something in and you're sensing them. And when you're angry at someone it's a motor function, meaning you're blasting them or venting at them.

Stephen Martin: Well, I think many of us can recognize how dominance kind of plays out.

Rachel Salaman: That's Stephen Martin, co-author of the book "Messengers: Who We Listen To, Who We Don't and Why."

Stephen Martin: Perhaps in the workplace... those characters that will often come into the room and they seem to consume the space. They use wide gestures, they sometimes invade others' personal space.

Rachel Salaman: Stephen told me that overly competitive people like this tend to be "all-or-nothing" negotiators. But it's an approach that's not going to succeed in today's workplace.

Stephen Martin: What's kind of interesting, and slightly disconcerting, about the dominant messenger is they're the kind of character that has a kind of inherent belief that everything is a competition, and "to the winner goes the spoils."

You've got to think about that for a minute and think, "Well why would we want people like that in an organization? What purpose do they actually serve?" But, if you think back to previous eras, the dominant messenger, the dominant leader, was very much a desired character within a community. If a warring tribe was coming our way, or if we were under siege, you'd want someone that was able to stand up and take charge and take the lead. We're unlikely to fight and compete with others in those more physical types of ways.

Rachel Salaman: Corey Kupfer agrees that keeping your cool will serve you much better than being combative. Once again it comes back to clarity: knowing what you want to achieve, so that you can calmly analyze the options.

Corey Kupfer: Ultimately, I need to "true-up" to my objectives that I got clear on in the clarity process. And if the deal can meet my objectives, then I do it. If the deal does not meet my objectives, I don't do it. And I have no hard feelings against you – you're not a bad person. You know, if your objectives and my objectives don't line up so we can't do a deal right now, well, that's all that means!

Rachel Salaman: Corey's tip is to keep your eyes fixed on your purpose. Not just what you want to achieve in a negotiation, by why you want it. In a company sell-off, for example, you'd need to stay focused on your personal priorities.

Corey Kupfer: For some people, they want to sell their company to make a lot of money and retire. For some people, they want to sell their company because they want to move on to their next venture. For some people, they want to sell their company because it's really important to them to put their family in a particular financial position. And for some people, they want to sell their company because they want to be freed up to travel the world.

So every one of these things is different. And if you think about it, if your real "why" is to maximize the amount of money you make, versus to get freedom and be able to travel the world, versus getting freed up sooner because you have another business opportunity, those will all affect the negotiation.

Rachel Salaman: In Corey Cupfer's approach, you stick tightly to your purpose as you negotiate. But you stay flexible about how you're going to achieve it.

Corey Kupfer: I mean, the deal structure shouldn't necessarily matter. I talk about rigidity on timing: some people are over-anxious, and they get rigid on time, and sometimes it will take longer or shorter than you think. So not having rigidity around time, not having rigidity around structure, not having rigidity around being open to listening to creative solutions that will get you your objectives but not look the way you think they should look.

Rachel Salaman: Entrepreneur and seasoned negotiator Corey Kupfer.

So we've heard how we can adapt our communication, control our emotions, and strengthen our mindset, to become better at negotiating. But what about our physical behavior? Several guests told me about using our bodies to our advantage.

Nick Morgan: In a sense, learning to become aware of your body language, so you know what your body is telling you – as well as what it's telling you about others.

Rachel Salaman: That's Nick Morgan, a communication coach and the author of the book "Power Cues."

Nick Morgan: Once you get good at that... For example, if you're in a negotiation, you can watch the people across the table and see how they're receiving the proposals and what they're intending to do, so that you can become aware of their decisions, their opinions, their attitudes before they are. So that's how you use your intuition effectively.

Most of us aren't aware – aren't that self-aware – so we don't realize how much information we bring into the room, if you will, for other people about how we're feeling and what our attitude is toward a meeting or toward that conversation or toward the other people in the room.

Rachel Salaman: And FBI negotiator Chris Voss told me about the "contagious" effect of good body language. That's due to an in-built mirror response in the brain. By showing that we're relaxed and receptive, we inspire others to be that way, too.

Chris Voss: What we have in our brains, what we have that makes it contagious, is called mirror neurons. So, if I'm playful with you, chances are you're going to be playful with me.

Rachel Salaman: So, model how you want the other party to behave, and they'll often follow you. For Chris, it's key to creating the right atmosphere for effective negotiation.

Chris Voss: We're both going to be smarter and, without changing any of our preparation, we increase the chances we'll make a great deal.

Rachel Salaman: These days, of course, lots of our interactions don't happen in person – but on screen. So how does that affect the way we negotiate? Wayne Turmel had some valuable advice about this, when we discussed his book "Meet Like You Mean It." For starters, remember that negotiations often take time. And everyone involved needs to have their say – even if they're not in the room.

Wayne Turmel: If I want to reach consensus on a decision, I'm going to have to give people plenty of time to talk about it. So I'm going to have to solicit their input and give them a chance to offer feedback on that. How can I do that? Well, if it's a small group, I'm just going to use the whiteboard to list the options, and we can discuss them and then vote, and we can vote in a number of ways. If I really want everybody engaged, maybe I want to do that discussion early in the meeting.

Rachel Salaman: Wayne also warned about giving some people extra power, simply because they're able to join in person.

Wayne Turmel: Human nature being what it is, the people in the room are going to dominate. If you've ever been that person dialing into the meeting, everybody in the room gets to talk and then, "Oh yeah, what about you people out in the provinces?" If you want people to be able to contribute, if you want them to feel like a member of the team, they need equal access. So there are a couple of very simple things you can do.

One is, if you're going to show something in the room, make sure the people who are remote can see it. The other thing is a Jedi mind trick that the facilitators need to do, which is don't always start with the people in the room. Actively solicit the input from the people who are remote before the people in the room, at least some of the time, so that the message is, "Your opinion is valuable. I want you to be able to be seen as contributing, I want to give you the chance."

Rachel Salaman: So good negotiators promote equal access, mutual respect, and a fair hearing for all. But does that mean they always end up with a compromise? "Absolutely not" was the overwhelming message from our experts. Here's Chris Voss.

Chris Voss: Compromise, splitting the difference, is born out of uncertainty to start with. And which means you get a bad solution, "Let's water down both solutions and we'll both be happy, but we'll have a really bad outcome."

Rachel Salaman: And Alexandra Carter agrees. Instead of compromising, she told me we should keep asking questions, until there's a positive end point.

Alexandra Carter: Let's say we're in that situation where the answers are pretty far apart, OK? If somebody gives me a solution, and this is not where I want to be, what I do is I simply ask more questions. Right? I would say, "Tell me more about what that offer represents for you?"

Because, for example, if they tell me, "Well, this offer really gives me security," then – bam! – I know what they need. They need security. So now I need to find a way to pitch what I'm looking for in a way that's going to satisfy that need.

Rachel Salaman: Robin Koval also believes good negotiating isn't about what each side has to give up – but what both can gain.

Robin Koval: Don't think about "my slice versus your slice" and "if you get something I don't get something," but think about how we can build something bigger together.

Rachel Salaman: All our experts described negotiating as a natural part of life at work – and outside of it. And in the current climate of readjustment and change, we'll likely find ourselves doing it more than ever.

To be successful, we need to be positive, confident that we can achieve a good outcome. It helps if we're calm, considered, and crystal clear about our objectives – by knowing our true purpose. We'll gain valuable respect if we're prepared, show integrity, and use everything we say and do to build trust.

Above all, we shouldn't think of negotiation as war, but as a chance to agree to something that we feel truly happy about. To come away feeling good about what we've achieved – and about how we've behaved.

Negotiation may be about dealing with other people's wants and needs, and adapting to the different strategies they use. But, according to our experts, great negotiators don't just understand what the other party's doing. They succeed by understanding themselves.

Chris Voss: You know, there's an American general, Colin Powell, used to like to say, "Never let your ego get so tied to a position that, if the position collapses, your ego goes with it." Well, so that sort of thinking also applies to negotiation. Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn't take something better.

Alexandra Carter: When people come into a negotiation and they don't have confidence or they don't have clarity, they lack that because they haven't spent a little bit of time steering that internal conversation, so that they can avoid what I call a "one-car accident," right? The problem with the negotiation comes well before the other person; it starts with you.

Corey Kupfer: Do that work, do that hard work, do that internal work, take the time to prepare, and be willing to do the hard work for any negotiation that counts, because otherwise you won't get the results you want.

Rachel Salaman: Chris Voss, Alexandra Carter, and Corey Kupfer, ending this edition of Mind Tools Expert Voices: "How to Negotiate."

There are in-depth interviews with all the people you've heard here, along with hundreds more conversations with leading writers and thinkers, in our Expert Interviews collection in the Mind Tools Club. And why not check out some of our other Expert Voices episodes while you're there?

I'll be back soon with a new one. For now, I'm Rachel Salaman: thanks for listening.