Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life

That's where this book comes in. "Talking to Crazy" offers tried and tested strategies to help us manage the impossible people in our lives and take back control in challenging situations. You'll learn techniques to shift power dynamics, calm angry or distraught co-workers or partners, and keep your poise when your buttons are pushed. You'll also learn how to tame your own irrational side.

So who's this book for? "Talking to Crazy" is for anyone who wants to understand how to cope with challenging behavior. If you have a difficult boss, manager, or team member, or if you're struggling to deal with stubborn, aging parents or rebellious teenagers, this book's for you. It'll help you increase your emotional intelligence, handle tough conversations, and reduce your stress levels. It's also useful for anyone working in the fields of occupational health or mental health.

Mark Goulston is a leading psychiatrist, consultant, coach, business adviser, and speaker. He's the author or co-author of seven books, including the bestsellers "Just Listen" and "Get Out of Your Own Way," and he writes regularly for newspapers and magazines. He also co-hosts a weekly radio show and frequently appears on CNN, Fox News, and the American talk shows "Today" and "Oprah."

His latest project is a weekly podcast from prisoners who've read "Get Out of Your Own Way" and have struggled with the self-defeating behaviors he explores in that book. You can hear a Book Insight podcast on his career-related spin-off, "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work," on the Mind Tools site, along with Expert Interview podcasts with Goulston, about influencing others and communicating effectively.

So, keep listening to learn how to keep calm when you're under attack, how performing a "belly roll" can defuse tension, and how to soothe an extremely anxious colleague.

Before we delve into the content of this book, though, a note on some of its language. As the subtitle suggests, Goulston uses the term "crazy" as shorthand for anyone whose behavior or thinking doesn't makes sense – not to describe the mentally ill. He accepts that "crazy" isn't a politically correct term and that some people might take offense. His intention isn't to stigmatize any groups, he says. We're all crazy – or irrational – to some extent. He's using the word as an umbrella term that makes for a catchy book title.

Goulston's language is just as direct throughout the book. He refers to "needy whiners," "know-it-alls," and "jerks." This won't be to everyone's taste, but at least he's consistent. Goulston's tone is colloquial, matter-of-fact, and abrupt at times. His chapters are just a few pages each, with bullet-point summaries at the end of each. These short chapters and the author's vocabulary make for a punchy read. And they make his more complex theories simple to digest.

The book has an easy-to-follow structure, too, with five distinct sections. The first explores what makes people behave unreasonably. It looks at how our early development impacts our ability to moderate our moods, and offers a guide for understanding other people's ways of working.

Section two invites us to understand our own crazy side, so that we can self-regulate. The third section is the meat of the book. It has 14 strategies for talking to irrational people. For example, we hear how to get a know-it-all to behave, how to say "no" to a manipulator, and how to defuse an explosive situation.

The fourth section focuses on the personal, with case studies ranging from marital breakdown and divorce, to healing relationships with adult children and caring for elderly relatives. The last section turns to severe mental illness, with advice on how to help suicidal people or those with personality disorders or addictions.

Most of the chapters include real-life case studies, which add credibility and color. Some of these vignettes are easy to relate to – such as the overworked employee who refuses to ask for help, or the arrogant boss who's rude to staff. Others describe quite extreme situations that won't be familiar to most readers – such as the time Goulston calmed a schizophrenic patient who was smashing up furniture. They're a good read, but not widely applicable.

So, let's take a closer look at some of the author's advice, starting with how to keep calm when under attack.

When an irrational person lashes out at us, our instinct is usually to fight back, but calmness is our best defense. Goulston suggests we try to keep our cool by repeating the phrase "opportunity for poise" in our minds. We should keep saying it until the primitive part of our brain no longer wants to fight or flee. Next, he suggests we yell or swear at the person in our heads, before silently saying "opportunity for poise" again.

Our composure will disarm the other person. At this point, we could calmly say something like, "What was all that about?" The person may fire off at us again, and we should let him or her rant for a while, before saying something like: "I don't like your delivery, but just so I don't miss the point – what is it exactly that you'd like me to get from this?" Or: "What do you want me to do, or stop doing, so that we don't have this conversation again?"

As we hold on to our poise, the other person will see that lashing out doesn't work and we'll be able to have a constructive talk. Goulston accepts this process isn't failsafe, but at least we'll feel proud that we didn't retaliate.

Another way to stay calm is to picture our mentors.

When under attack, first ask for time out. Go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. With the conversation on hold, try to think of two or more people who've loved and supported you, and remember why you're grateful to them. Next, imagine how they'd suggest dealing with this situation, and then thank them.

This works in two ways. Gratitude neutralizes anger because it's impossible to feel both emotions at the same time. This exercise also helps our muddled brains call up sane advice from wise people. We can then return to the conversation feeling clearer, with a more positive mindset, and with some ideas to move forward.

We like these simple, powerful techniques, which Goulston has road-tested in his personal life and his professional practice. The suggested scripts are also useful. They're not going to work for everyone, in all situations, but the idea of defusing tension instead of turning up the heat by retaliating is a good principle to live by.

Another way to resolve a tense situation is to give an angry person more control.

If this sounds counterintuitive, it's supposed to. As you've just heard, fighting back only inflames the situation. Instead, we need to practice what Goulston calls "assertive submission," or, in simpler terms, the belly roll.

The belly roll comes from an image of two dogs fighting. There are a few possible outcomes to this scenario: the dogs can either fight one another until they're both seriously hurt; one dog can escape, leaving the other in predator mode; or one dog can roll onto its back and show its belly to the other, as if to say, "I agree. You're top dog. What do you want me to do about it?"

This is a lighthearted image, but it illustrates Goulston's point – when we give the irrational person control, the relationship shifts and tension subsides. By giving someone more power, we reduce his or her need to act on it.

The author backs this up further with a case study from an IT firm. Brian was an experienced software developer in his late forties, who was working with a team of younger developers. These younger colleagues wanted to update the company's products, but Brian resisted change. They thought he was a fossil. He thought they were meddling. Brian got angry in meetings and, because he was a big guy, he came across as intimidating. The younger developers would become hostile, and encounters often turned ugly.

Goulston was working with Brian's wife at the time, and when she shared her husband's challenge, he suggested assertive submission, or the belly roll approach. Brian was reluctant at first, but a few weeks later, just as he was about to attack the young developers again for wanting to mess with his product, he remembered his wife's words and changed tack.

Brian opened up to the developers. He said he knew he came across as a pit bull when he was angry, but he actually felt like a powerless Chihuahua. He also said how much he disliked bullies, but accepted he was acting like one. He said he was worried about their proposed changes, but he didn't want to come across as an oaf, so he suggested they find a compromise.

Brian's belly roll defused the tension immediately. The developers calmed down and began to look for compromises, too. Ultimately, they found a way forward that met the developers' needs and kept Brian more or less happy, too. More importantly, Brian's belly roll had longer-term effects. The younger developers could now see that he had tons of experience and knowledge, and as time went on, he became a valued mentor.

You might have to swallow some pride to do a belly roll and accept a compromise, but we think this is a useful technique. Goulston makes a strong case for assertive submission, backing it up and bringing it to life with Brian's story, as well as an anecdote involving a run-in between one of his clients and the Internal Revenue Service over unpaid taxes. This allows him to discuss what he calls "institutional craziness," referring to organizations that insist on following nonsensical rules.

Let's now look at how to help someone cope with extreme fear or worry.

Some people are prone to severe anxiety and repetitive, negative thinking. Take the sales manager who loses her biggest client and immediately assumes she's going to lose her job, followed by her home and kids. She can't stop her thoughts from spiraling toward catastrophe. Instinctively, we might tell her to relax, that it'll all be fine. But instant reassurance isn't going to cut it with someone who's gripped by fear.

Goulston suggests we follow a three-step process. First, we "Lean In" to the person. This means we take time to understand that her mind is trapped in fear, and her body's been flooded with adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol. Her fear appears out of control, but it's actually the only thing that makes her feel in control.

The next step is to encourage the person to "Look at the Reality." We do this gently and with empathy, by saying something like, "Let's find out what's really going on here." We then explore together all the potential outcomes, from worst-case to best-case scenario, and many possibilities in between. Is it just as likely, or more likely, that things will work out better than expected? Has the manager or anyone she knows survived similar crises before? Could this situation be manageable after all?

The person will begin to calm down as we go through these questions and rational thinking sets in.

The final step is to "Lead the Person into the Future." We could ask the sales manager what realistic actions she could take going forward. Or we could say: "Is there anything we can do right now to win back the lost account or land similar clients?"

We like this gentle approach to moving someone out of panic and into positive action. It's easy to understand, and applicable to a range of scenarios.

Many of Goulston's techniques are simple and memorable like this one, and easy to apply in our own lives, especially when we can connect to the stories he uses – from road rage to team disputes. Other case studies are less relatable, involving extremes of behavior we might never witness. We'd have liked more stories from the business world, involving difficult but less extreme examples. This would give the book greater appeal.

Overall, though, Goulston is a great storyteller and an effective teacher. "Talking to Crazy" has a really good mix of psychology, neuroscience, behavioral theory, and lively anecdotes. As you heard earlier, some readers won't like the author's language, but this shouldn't be a big obstacle – and others will like his straight-talking style. It certainly helps get the message across.

So, if you want to know how to talk to irrational or rude people in your office or at home, this book offers some great tips.

"Talking to Crazy" by Mark Goulston is published by AMACOM.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.