How to Listen: Tools for Opening up Conversations When It Matters Most

So, who is "How to Listen" for? The short answer is everyone. We can all find something here to help us improve our communication skills. People who are supporting a troubled family member or friend, or a struggling co-worker, will find it especially helpful. But the advice can be applied more widely, too. For example, in the workplace, it'll help managers who want to build a team culture based on trust and understanding.

So keep listening to hear how to create a safe psychological space, how to ask open questions, and how to make sure the conversation focuses on the speaker, not the listener.

"How to Listen" is partly made up of personal accounts from people who've struggled with poor mental health. There are also regular insights from mental health professionals. It may be tempting to skip these sections if you're in a hurry. But beware: they often address skills that are central to the theme of the book. It pays to read everything, at least the first time around.

So let's dive in, and find out how to listen.

The book is divided into three parts, each consisting of four chapters. There's also a concluding section, and a list of resources. Everything is well signposted throughout, leaving no doubt what each section is about.

Part One is called Why Listening Matters, and it sets out the main themes of the book. In particular, it talks about why it's important to listen to people who need to talk.

For a start, effective listening reminds the speaker that you care about them. Simply asking whether someone is OK – and showing that you're paying attention to the answer – can make a big difference to their state of mind. It can also be the first step in helping them open up and explore their feelings.

This is important. Listening well is not about trying to fix a problem. States of mind are way more complex than that. In fact, it's not really about you, the listener, at all. It's about helping the speaker describe and articulate their own feelings.

So listening is really about understanding. It's more than simply hearing what you're being told. And the good news from the book is that we can all learn how to listen – and understand – better.

For the Samaritans, creating a safe space for a conversation is essential. This isn't a physical space, but a psychological place, free of assumptions, judgements and quick fixes. The authors note that tough conversations are often harder for family members and close friends, because they bring too much knowledge, and too many ideas about how to make things better.

The safe space should be somewhere where the speaker feels free to say what they want, without fear of being judged. And the listener should be careful not to channel them into a particular course of action.

But that doesn't mean the listener should stay completely passive. Opening up and sharing experiences can make others do so too. But the listener should remember that the conversation isn't about what they've experienced, or what they would do next. It's about helping the speaker to make sense of what's happening to them.

And the listener must give the speaker their full attention. This isn't just about sitting and hearing what the speaker is saying. It involves processing it, and trying to understand it.

Asking open questions to stimulate a wide-ranging response can help with this. Avoid questions that have simple "yes" or "no" answers. Instead, ask questions like "Can you tell me more about that?" or "How did that make you feel?" These will more likely draw out revealing answers, and open up the discussion.

Open questions are especially helpful if you're struggling with the urge to give advice. Instead of saying, "What you should do is this," try asking, "Do you think there's anything you could do to change the situation?" This encourages the speaker to find solutions that suit them. Every situation is unique, so general advice is unlikely to be good advice.

Part One has a useful chapter on understanding stress. It's a sudden block of factual information, which slightly interrupts the flow of the text, but it's still valuable. It helps the reader understand the physical symptoms of stress, and how stress developed as an aid to survival.

The authors acknowledge that listening can cause stress too, and this chapter introduces some breathing and relaxation exercises, which could be as useful for the listener as for the person they're listening to.

So how do you tell when someone needs or wants to talk? To start with, watch out for changes in behavior. Is an energetic person suddenly lethargic? Do they seem irritable or agitated? A normally outgoing person may appear quiet and withdrawn. There may even be evidence that they're abusing alcohol or drugs. The authors cover all these tell-tale signs.

They also advise readers to look out for big life changes that may have affected the person who's struggling. These include relationship difficulties, career changes, unemployment, or the loss of a loved one. Anyone would likely be badly affected by these, but some people are more likely than others to be pushed into mental illness.

One useful tip is to pay attention to the speaker's tone of voice, and the language they use. Statements like "No-one cares about me" or "I'm a waste of space" are worth noting, even if they appear to be made in jest.

Part One has plenty of useful advice. But the main take-away message from this part of the book is: it's always better to check in with someone than not to.

Part Two, called How to Be a Better Listener, is the real toolkit of the book. And from the start, it's full of practical advice.

How do you start a tricky conversation with someone you think is struggling? Well, it takes courage. Mainly, it takes the courage not to be put off by the odd mistake or false start. The important thing is to show you're available to talk, and you care how the speaker is feeling. That might be enough to prompt a conversation.

Some people will give the impression that they don't want to talk, and that's OK. But it's usually worth following up with a gentle "Are you sure?" Again, simple prompts can often be the most effective.

Creating trust is vital. So is knowing that you can't make someone accept help. Put your own preoccupations and prejudices to one side, choose the right time and place, and don't be afraid of silences. They can mean that the speaker is actually thinking things through.

The heart of the Samaritans' approach is explained in chapter six, Learning to Listen. They even give it a handy acronym – SHUSH – as a reminder of the five key principles of the approach: Show you care, Have patience, Use open questions, Say it back, and Have courage.

Saying it back is an important skill. Summarizing what someone has told you shows that you've really listened to what they've said, and understood it. It also gives them a chance to think over what they've said, and check that it represents how they feel.

One very good question posed in Part Two is: what stops us from listening well? There are several factors. One is a simple lack of self-confidence. It's easy to feel that you're not up to the job of dealing with someone's life story, particularly if that story is difficult or painful.

That lack of confidence arises because we think we're expected to solve problems. We fear that we'll be asked to take responsibility for crises we can't handle. But that's not the case. Listeners don't have to come up with a life plan, or a course of action. That will be for the speaker to work out for themselves – with professional help, as and when they are ready to ask for it.

Sometimes, though, the problem can be a type of over-confidence. People tend to project their experiences onto others.

This is perfectly innocent. Sometimes you might really be trying to empathize. How many times have you said, "Yeah, I know how you feel," or, "The same thing happened to me?"

The problem is that everyone responds to situations differently. So you can't know exactly how someone else is feeling or thinking, even if you have had similar experiences. It's far better to let them talk, and keep your own experiences out of it.

Part Three deals with practical support and self-care. You can help people in many ways, even if you can't immediately get them to open up to you. If you know or suspect that someone's struggling, offer them help with things they might be finding difficult.

This can include anything from doing their shopping to helping sort out their bills. Anything that can build trust is valuable. And, of course, if you can help with a practical task, that's one less thing they have to worry about.

The authors also advise us to prepare ahead of a difficult conversation. Thinking about the kinds of things the person is struggling with can help you ask the right questions, which, in turn, will help them see a clearer path ahead.

One of the most important things you can do is encourage people to name the emotions they're feeling. That may sound simplistic, but many people struggle to attach labels to their emotions. Naming them can be the first step toward managing them.

Throughout the book there's a heavy emphasis on acceptance. We're encouraged to accept that it's OK not to be OK, for example. We should learn to accept what people tell us about themselves without judgment. And we should accept the responsibility for building trust and maintaining confidentiality.

That's a lot to accept. The authors acknowledge that listeners can sometimes wilt under the emotional burden of caring. That's why the book discusses the importance of self-care for listeners, as well as for speakers. As the authors put it, "You can't pour from an empty jug." So there are tips on how to take care of your own mental health, including a self-care action plan.

Part of taking care of yourself, and the person who's talking to you, is knowing when you've reached the end of what you can do. There may come a point when only a professional can help.

This is particularly true when trying to help those who are experiencing addiction, or who have been through trauma. The book shows you how to identify when you've reached this point, and offers suggestions on who to contact.

So what do we think of "How to Listen?"

It feels timely. Western societies began to think and talk more about the importance of good mental health some time ago. The isolation and anxiety of a global pandemic has sharpened our focus on this issue. So a book that covers the ground in a simple and practical way will always be worth reading.

It's not a preachy book. Much of the text is drawn from real-life experiences of people who've suffered with a range of mental health issues. There's plenty of expert commentary too, from experienced listeners and mental health practitioners.

And there are a number of practical exercises many readers will find useful, such as keeping a listening diary – plus tips on everything from maintaining eye contact to how not to offer solutions immediately.

But there are some problems with how the material is organized. Sections of the main text run into case studies without clear delineation between the two. And although "How to Listen" looks like a book you can dip into, you do need to read everything to get the most from it.

And when you have read everything, you may feel that you've read the same thing several times over. It's fine to stress the importance of open questions, for example, but returning to their importance several times in the same way feels repetitive.

Even so, this is a valuable book from an organization steeped in compassion for others. As a practical guide to a key skill that so many people get wrong, it delivers on its promise of good sense and hands-on helpfulness.

"How to Listen: Tools for Opening up Conversations When It Matters Most," by Katie Colombus and the Samaritans, is published by Kyle Books in the U.K., and Octopus Books in the U.S.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.