The Truth Doesn't Have to Hurt: How to Use Criticism to Strengthen Relationships, Improve Performance, and Promote Change

But what if we knew how to give criticism in a constructive way? And knew how to receive it without putting up barriers?

This book argues that criticism has got a bad rap. Instead of equating it with picking on mistakes, highlighting bad behavior, or putting people down, why not see it as something that can help build people up and encourage them to perform at the top of their game? Criticism is a powerful learning tool that can improve relationships and increase productivity – provided it's delivered effectively and received the right way.

This book will teach you how to avoid common pitfalls when giving or receiving criticism, and show you how to create an atmosphere that allows criticism to flow back and forth without causing upset. You'll learn how not to take criticism personally, how to decipher what's acceptable and what's not, and how to use criticism as a powerful motivating tool.

So who's this book for? If you're involved in reviewing performance, resolving conflict, or managing teams, from the workplace to the playing field, you'll get a lot from this book. Its tips are relevant to anyone who has to deal with other people – so that's pretty much all of us. Teachers, parents, coaches, CEOs, and anyone who's being taught, parented, coached, or managed will come away feeling more confident about their ability to interact with others and to learn and grow from positive and negative feedback.

The author, Deborah Bright, learned the motivating value of criticism as a diver, working with a tough coach. She was once ranked among the top 10 women divers in the United States and had the potential to get to the Olympics. She gave it up when doctors found retinal tears in both her eyes and told her she'd go blind if she carried on.

Wanting to make the most of what she'd learned from years of training, she founded Bright Enterprises, Inc., a consulting firm that helps people manage stress and leverage criticism to become the best in their field.

She has an impressive list of clients, from Disney, GE, and Morgan Stanley to the Ladies Professional Golf Association.

So keep listening to learn how to give criticism productively, how to take control of the situation when you're being criticized, and how to draw up team guidelines so criticism can flow without putting noses out of joint.

"The Truth Doesn't Have to Hurt" is a really practical, easy-to-read book. The author's language is accessible and her approach down-to-earth. She uses questions, charts, and chapter summaries to help drive her message home, and there are coaching tips dotted throughout.

She also incorporates short case studies to back up her points, taken from workplace situations we can all relate to. And the range of scenarios she discusses is really broad, from how to stop yourself crying in your boss's office, to how to tell an employee her dress is inappropriate, to how to handle a colleague's explosive outbursts.

The ability to give and receive criticism effectively has a huge impact on our emotional well-being. Market research by the author's company shows that receiving criticism and having to give it rank among the top ten stress-producing challenges at work. So, let's look more closely at some of the author's tips for reducing this stress, starting with how to give criticism.

This isn't true for everyone, but some people criticize before they think – an approach that's likely to backfire. Giving criticism should be a carefully thought-out process.

Preparation is the key to getting it right and the author suggests three basic steps. First, reflect on the purpose of the criticism. Often, you'll be hoping your words inspire the receiver to change their behavior in a way that resolves an issue or problem – in other words, you're aiming for a positive outcome, even if you're pointing out a flaw.

For this to work, you'll want to make sure the receiver can do something about the situation. Criticizing someone for something that's out of their control can lead to resentment and damaged relationships.

Ask yourself what corrective action you are looking for. Do you have some specific examples to back up your criticism and help the receiver learn from their mistakes? And is your point urgent? This last question will help you decide whether you need to speak up immediately or wait until any tensions have subsided.

Step two is to consider what you know about the receiver. Are they capable of changing their behavior, or open to doing so? Do they have the skills, experience, or willingness to respond to the criticism?

Also, what do you know about the receiver's preferences when it comes to hearing criticism? Would they prefer you get straight to the point, or would they prefer a softer, more indirect approach? This will help you adjust your style and tone.

You'll also want to ask yourself if the criticism you're about to deliver is appropriate, in terms of content, time, and place. Is your feedback in line with mutually understood goals and expectations? Are you delivering it at a time when the person is likely to be receptive? And are you respecting the receiver's right to a private conversation? If you need more information on the receiver before you start talking, take time to get to know them a bit better.

The final step is to rehearse your delivery. Again, the author provides a set of questions to help you as you practice. Have you explained how the receiver can take action to change? Is your language appropriate? Have you explained why this criticism is important? Have you considered the receiver's goals and values? And can you explain why you're qualified to give the criticism?

We like the thoroughness of the author's approach, and think her checklist is really helpful and practical. It's easy to see how following her framework can lead to really productive conversations.

Let's now look at what happens on the receiving end.

Receiving criticism is also a skill that can be learned – and it's a critical one too. The way we hear and respond to criticism can determine our stress and happiness levels at work and at home. Unlike when giving criticism, however, we often don't have time to prepare. That's why it's important to have some tools under our belt for digesting and acting on criticism.

The key is to avoid going on the defensive, as this won't make for a productive exchange. Try to steer clear of kneejerk reactions and automatic assumptions, like "the person giving the criticism is wrong and I'm right." This isn't about finding excuses to reject the feedback. It's about evaluating it with an open mind.

The author offers a checklist for receivers of criticism that in many ways mirrors the one we've just heard for givers, so we won't go into this in detail. Instead, we'll focus on her tips for taking the emotion out of an exchange.

It's easier to withstand or accept criticism when our confidence levels are high. If we're feeling down on ourselves, a bit of negative feedback can push us even lower. Our thoughts can spiral, and suddenly we're the worst employee, parent, or player on the team. If we're aware of our confidence levels, how they fluctuate, and how we can bump them up, we'll be better at handling criticism.

Ways to boost our self-confidence at work include listing our strengths, acquiring knowledge and expertise, acknowledging our successes, and being in control of a situation.

When you're criticized for something, you can draw on your list of strengths or bank of previous successes to help put the criticism in perspective. Perhaps you can tell yourself this is the first time you've made this mistake, and you can put yourself in the driving seat by working out what caused the error and what you can do about it.

You can also take the heat out of criticism by keeping a big-picture focus. The author suggests zooming in and out of focus, from the micro to the macro. When you hear criticism, look through the macro lens: you're human; mistakes are inevitable and natural; nobody is perfect.

Staying in the macro, remind yourself of the principle that criticism, while sometimes difficult to hear, can help improve performance. Also, be grateful that you matter enough for someone to point out where you're going wrong.

Once you've got a broader perspective, you can return to the micro and focus on the situation at hand. What specifically went wrong, and what can you learn from it?

One final tip is to scrutinize what others say. If we can view criticism initially as information or data points, rather than a personal attack, we can keep our emotions in check. This neutralizes the information and gives us space to put it through an internal accuracy filter. Who is this person criticizing me? Is what they're saying correct? Are they supporting their feedback with specific examples? Are they asking me to respond in a particular way?

Again, the author offers some really practical suggestions that are easily transferable to a whole range of situations.

So far, we've looked at one-on-one exchanges – but what about teams? Teams come with their own dynamics and dilemmas. When do you direct criticism to an individual and when do you address the whole team? Do you allow criticism to flow openly between members, and how do you regulate that?

The key is to create a team where criticism is accepted as a valuable tool for improving performance and helping reach mutually agreed goals. The author suggests drawing up team rules or guidelines to help create this environment.

Some of her rules are obvious, such as avoiding labels like "dumb," "stupid," or "ridiculous." Others are more interesting, like agreeing to assume positive intent when hearing criticism, openly admitting mistakes, addressing people directly rather than discussing them behind their backs, and giving praise or reward when it's merited.

Scheduling meetings to assess how well a team is doing helps send a strong message to team members that being open and honest are vital to good relationships and successful performance. Also, holding regular meetings solely dedicated to the generation of ideas, where honest feedback is encouraged, can help motivate teams and take their creativity to new heights. But make sure there's an atmosphere of trust and respect, and that members realize it's their ideas that are open for debate, not them personally.

The author also offers tips on how to handle different personalities on a team, and she suggests some interesting categories for team members, from committed crusaders and silent knights, to doubting Thomases and the dangerous quiet saboteurs.

Team dynamics can be tricky, and it's all too easy for members to keep their feedback to themselves and for the team's work to stagnate. We agree it's well worth setting team boundaries and drawing up guidelines before getting to work on a project.

The book ends with 12 challenging situations you might come across in the workplace, whether you're giving or receiving criticism. Two scenarios stand out for us: one where the receiver appears to accept the criticism but fails to do anything about it, and the other where a person is criticized for something they didn't do.

In all cases, the author suggests sticking to her step-by-step process for giving and receiving criticism, and we can see how this would work in most cases. Of course, individuals need to be flexible and ready to respond to the unexpected, but the author's framework provides a clear road map that takes the anxiety out of potentially fraught encounters.

There's some repetition in this book, and the author does make some obvious points at times. For example, most readers will know words like "stupid," "idiot," and "lazy" are inflammatory. On the other hand, it's good to be reminded that telling somebody they "always" do something will certainly get their backs up, while phrases such as "Can I offer you some feedback?" can help pave the way for a good discussion.

"The Truth Doesn't Have to Hurt" is a practical manual that'll empower both the giver and receiver of criticism, and could help transform workplaces, restore damaged relationships, energize teams, and inspire everyone to do their best work. It clearly shows that criticism doesn't have to be demoralizing – in fact, it can be a real catalyst for change.

The author concentrates on the corporate and non-profit worlds, but her advice is easily transferable to relationships at home, in the classroom, and on the sports field. So whether you're someone who needs to give regular feedback or who wants to know how to use criticism for your benefit, we think you'll get a lot out of this book.

"The Truth Doesn't Have to Hurt" by Deb Bright is published by AMACOM.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.