Getting More: How to Negotiate to Achieve Your Goals in the Real World

"Getting More" is a book about how to negotiate better. But, the principles and techniques taught here are probably nothing like what you've been taught before. Here, you won't learn how to be a hard or soft bargainer. You won't be taught how to win arguments, assert your power over someone else, force an agreement, or close the deal. These techniques, according to the author, are impractical and don't really work for most people.

Instead, you learn how to negotiate using your goals, rather than focusing on who's right or wrong. You learn how to do a role reversal, focusing on the other person's wants and needs. You learn how to use incremental steps in negotiation, which lowers the risk for the other person. And you learn how to make "emotional payments," which helps you use the other person's emotional needs to help meet your goals – but not in a cynical way.

These are just a few of the unusual and highly practical strategies covered in "Getting More." At heart, all these strategies focus on being yourself, communicating well and being honest. Using these techniques will help you build credibility and better relationships instead of straining or destroying them.

Once you've read the introduction, you'll be convinced these strategies truly work. The author says just one-third of the stories he's collected from people using these techniques added up to over three billion dollars saved.

What's so exciting about this book is how applicable it is in our everyday life. The negotiation strategies you'll learn will help you get a raise, save your marriage, buy a car or get out of a speeding ticket. Consultants have used these techniques to save their clients hundreds of millions of dollars. CEOs have turned entire companies around with these negotiating strategies.

There are a million different ways we can better our lives with what's taught in "Getting More," and once you've read the first few pages you'll be on fire to get to the end.

The book is full of stories from people the author has coached, all of which detail how they got more in their life using these strategies. Senior executives, artists, truckers, stay-at-home parents, stockbrokers, people of all walks of life and all over the world are successfully using these tools. Reading their stories is intriguing and exciting because they all point to the same result. These techniques have made their lives easier, happier and more profitable.

The author, Stuart Diamond, is a professor at the Wharton School, one of the world's leading business schools. He also advises companies and governments on the art of negotiation, and has consulted with over half of the Global One Hundred companies. Diamond also won the Pulitzer Prize, as a journalist with the New York Times.

So, keep listening to find out what works best when you're trying to persuade someone, the number-one reason why most negotiations fail, and how to keep emotion out of the negotiation process.

"Getting More" is divided into 16 chapters. The first half of the book covers the author's 12 negotiating strategies in detail. The second half of the book teaches us how to put it all together and use these techniques in the real world. From bettering our relationships to getting a deal at the market, the author shows us how to actually use these techniques to get more out of your life.

One of the first negotiating strategies the author details is also probably the most surprising. Negotiating is almost always about the people. When we focus our negotiation on the other person, and make a real effort to connect with them, we're probably going to succeed.

The author says we should view ourselves as the least important person in the negotiation process. The most important is the other person or party we're talking with.

This might be a tough pill to swallow for some of us. But the author shows us plenty of strategies we can use to put the other person first.

We have to begin by imagining the picture the other person has in their head. According to the author, this is the single most important thing we can do when persuading someone else. Ask yourself, how is the other person feeling? What are they thinking? Do they like and trust me?

And, the author says, we have to focus on that individual. It's the person sitting in front of you who will make the deal, not their race, gender, nationality or company.

If we don't start by focusing on the other person, and putting ourselves in their shoes, then we're probably not going to reach any kind of agreement. And, we have to be genuine here. If we don't truly care about making them happy, we're going to come across as fake.

We also have to consider any third parties in the negotiation. For instance, you might be negotiating with a customer service rep over the phone. But she has a boss who's constantly looking over her shoulder, second-guessing her negotiations with you.

The author says there's almost always a third party in negotiations, even if they're not sitting at the table. If this is the case, work with the person you're negotiating with to counteract the fears or concerns of the third party.

There are plenty of real-life stories here, and throughout the entire book, which shows us how we can apply these techniques in negotiations. And these stories are like gold because they bring these strategies to life. Without them it might be hard for readers to grasp the simple and subtle ways we can focus and value the other person.

Another highly useful chapter is chapter three, which focuses on communication. The author says communication failure is the biggest cause of negotiation failure. And the biggest cause of communication failure is misperception.

When you think about it, we all have different perceptions. Two people can look at the same simple picture and describe it completely differently. If we want to succeed in negotiation, then we need to close this perception gap.

Start by asking yourself four key questions. What am I perceiving? What are they perceiving? Is there a mismatch? If so, why?

These questions help us get to the root cause of both parties' biases.

Another way we can find out the other person's perspective is to ask them right at the start. When we ask the other person for their perception first, we're demonstrating that we value them. This makes them much more interested in listening to what we have to say.

So, we have to ask questions. Questions, the author says, are far more powerful than statements when we're negotiating. One way to subtly ask more questions is to turn our statements into questions whenever we can.

For instance, instead of saying, This isn't fair! We should ask, Do you think this is fair? Or, imagine your child won't clean her room. Instead of saying, Clean your room! Instead, ask, Can you tell me why your room isn't clean?

These questions open the door to communication and allow you to get a glimpse of the other person's perspective.

We thought this was a practical strategy that could easily be used if you're in charge of a team. For instance, imagine one of your team members consistently shows up late for work. Instead of yelling at them, or threatening them, you could open a dialog by asking why they're always late. This approach is more open, it shows you value that person, and makes it far more likely they'll change.

Most of us already know that negotiations can get really emotional. We get upset with our spouse, we get angry with our business partner, we get frustrated on the phone with the customer service rep. Emotion is often rampant in negotiations.

The author spends all of chapter six explaining why we need to keep emotion out of the negotiation process, and how to do this.

When we're negotiating, we have to give the other party what the author calls emotional payments. Emotional payments are expressions of sympathy or empathy. This could be an apology, or a concession. But emotional payments are vital, especially when the other party is upset or irrational, because they help the other person calm down and listen.

This can be really hard to do. For instance, how can you keep emotion out of the picture when the other person is being hostile or treats you unfairly?

The problem with most people, the author says, is that when one side acts unfairly, the other person gets emotional. Then, instead of focusing on their goals, they start thinking about revenge or retaliation. Emotion destroys good negotiations and limits creativity.

So, how can you control emotion when you're negotiating?

The author gives us several strategies. The first is that we need to be aware when the other person is being emotional. When they get emotional, they're no longer focused on their needs and goals. Instead, they're focused on their emotion. So, we need to calm them down.

Now, we can't tell them to calm down, of course. This will only get them madder or more upset! Instead, we need to commiserate with them. We need to ask questions, and then listen. The more we listen, the calmer they're likely to get.

We also need to figure out what kind of emotional payment they need. This means you have to focus on understanding the picture in their head. Start by asking questions to get them talking about themselves. Often, this will allow them to open up and express their feelings. This will give you more information you can then use to give them an emotional payment, which will help calm them down.

Often, simply listening is an emotional payment. But they might need a physical touch on the arm to show we understand, they might need a compliment, or maybe just some empathy.

There are some great stories in this chapter that illustrate how powerful keeping emotion out of the picture can be. One of our favorite stories came from one of the author's students. He was mugged at gunpoint and, by using these strategies and keeping emotion out of this stressful situation, he convinced the robber to give his ID cards back.

One chapter we particular enjoyed was chapter 14, titled "Getting More Around Town." Here, the author gives us dozens of stories that illustrate how we can use these subtle negotiation techniques to get more in our daily life.

For instance, have you ever moved in to a new apartment only to discover that something isn't quite right? Perhaps it's filthy, or the refrigerator doesn't work. Many of the author's students have been in similar situations, and we get to see how they negotiated, quietly and successfully, to have their landlords get their apartment up to standard.

The stories in this chapter are insightful and powerful. It's also intriguing to read how others are using these techniques to change their lives, because it's so easy to see how we could be doing the same thing. From getting our landlord to fix a hole in the wall to persuading doctors to provide better care for a family member, these real life stories will probably impress you just as much as they impressed us.

This chapter has some particularly good advice for getting past gatekeepers. Whether they're the CEO's personal assistant or the receptionist at the doctor's office, you'll learn how to creatively make a connection with them so you can accomplish your goals.

So, what's our last word on "Getting More?"

Well, we wish we could have covered every chapter. The author definitely didn't skimp on the information, and all of it is interesting and highly useful.

It's also really exciting to imagine all the different ways you can start using these strategies in your daily life. And, we were only able to scratch the surface on what's in the book.

All of us, no matter what career we're in, can greatly benefit from reading this book. The strategies are practical and many are just common sense. But until the author points these techniques out, they're largely invisible to most people.

"Getting More" is also a fun read. Once you crack these pages open, you're not going to want to put the book down. The author perfectly balanced his strategies with all the personal stories, which is quite a feat considering there are more than four hundred anecdotes in the book.

What's amazing is that the book doesn't feel like it has this many anecdotes in it. They're all well-written and interesting, and the pages fly by.

All in all, we have no problem recommending "Getting More." Without a doubt this is a book that can dramatically change your life for the better, whether you want to land your dream job or get your kids to brush their teeth every night.

"Getting More," by Stuart Diamond, is published by Crown Business.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.