Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

This book speaks directly to these quieter personalities and its message is this: there's nothing wrong with you. Just because you're not as outspoken as your friends or colleagues, you're not a misfit or a failure. You're probably just a different personality type – an introvert. And once you learn to work with your nature rather than fight it, you might discover it's your biggest strength.

In "Quiet," the author helps readers understand, accept and embrace their introversion. She then teaches them ways to harness the power of their personality type in a world where extroversion is seen as the ideal.

Does that mean this book is for introverts only? Well, introverts would probably benefit most from this book, particularly if they feel their reserve is hindering them in life or at work. They'll come away feeling more accepting of who they are and will have a set of tools to help them play to their strengths.

But this book has a much broader appeal. Many of us are a mix of both types. And even if we identify clearly as extroverts, it's likely we're in relationships – at work or at home – with people in the opposite camp, and this book gives us insight into how they think.

So "Quiet" is for anyone who wants to understand themselves and others better. You might be a gregarious CEO who's struggling to get the best out of introverted employees. Perhaps you're an introvert in an office of extroverts. Maybe you're a teacher or parent who's trying to encourage a quiet child. Or you might be a socialite struggling to come to terms with your partner's aversion to parties.

The author is an introvert who's been on her own journey of self-acceptance. She's a Harvard Law School graduate and a former corporate lawyer who represented clients like JP Morgan and General Electric, before becoming a negotiations consultant. As she learned more about her personality type, she changed careers to become a writer and now specializes in psychological non-fiction. She's written for The New York Times, blogs for Psychology Today, and speaks on introversion and leadership.

So keep listening to learn how to cope when you feel overwhelmed by what's going on around you, to hear when it's OK to fake it to make it, and to learn how to use your introverted nature to get ahead in business.

The book begins with the well-known story of Rosa Parks, the unassuming woman whose defiance of racial segregation on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama, sparked the American civil rights movement. Parks was the epitome of quiet strength, which is the title of her autobiography. The author goes on to name other famous introverts – from the poet W.B. Yeats, to Google founder Larry Page, from Albert Einstein to the author J.K. Rowling.

As much as we can generalize, introverts like to work alone, shun the spotlight, prefer to look before they leap, and become overwhelmed by too many social stimuli. They're also often highly sensitive, shy, and serious. Extroverts love the spotlight, prefer action to contemplation, like taking risks, love socializing, enjoy working in teams, and take decisions quickly.

The author quotes studies showing that in the United States, one of the world's most extroverted nations, one third to one half of the population is an introvert. But America – from the classroom to the boardroom – is set up in a way that assumes extroversion is best and that places style and personality above substance, the author says.

This is a good time to mention our main criticism of the book. "Quiet" is completely US-centric. Its anecdotes, case studies, and research are all American. The author does touch on cultural differences – noting Asians tend to be more introverted – but she does this in the context of immigration to the US. We think the author's case would be stronger, and the book more universally relevant, if she included examples from other countries. As it is, you're left wondering how these issues play out elsewhere in the world.

But despite its limited geographical scope, many of the book's tips for introverts do translate across cultures. Let's look at a few of them.

If you're an introvert, you'll be familiar with the feeling of social overwhelm. You can go to parties, but you like to leave early. You can get through a hectic day at the office, but you need time to unwind in solitude or with your partner. And you're OK with two social engagements in a day, but not four. More than a couple and you feel drained.

The key is to find what the author calls your sweet spot, or your optimal level of stimulation. This will be different for all of us, depending on how sensitive we are to what's going on around us. Under-stimulation leads to boredom. But over-stimulation interferes with our concentration and short-term memory – and ultimately leads to burnout.

Research shows introverts' brains are more sensitive to external things – from the smell of coffee to a loud bang to chatter at a party. For many, being alone with their work behind closed doors – without music, interruptions, or the sight or sounds of others – is sufficiently stimulating.

Extroverts prefer to be up on the podium giving speeches, chairing meetings from the head of the boardroom table, or organizing teams at workshops. Their senses can cope with greater levels of stimulation so they feel quite comfortable at a noisy networking event.

Once you're aware of your sweet spot, you can arrange your work, hobbies, and social life so you can spend as much time in this zone as possible. Maybe you need to put boundaries in place at work so you don't get over-stimulated. Or perhaps you realize the career you're in isn't for you because it's too draining on your senses. This goes beyond the idea of work-life balance – it's about the interplay between our temperaments and social stimuli.

The author uses the example of one of her clients, a tax lawyer called Esther. Esther wasn't shy, but she was introverted. She liked nothing better than closing her office door and immersing herself in her work.

But sometimes Esther had to give presentations to the rest of the law firm, often with little warning. Esther wasn't afraid of public speaking, but she dreaded these presentations. As an introvert, Esther became overwhelmed in a room full of people. The sea of faces and the sound of chatter were too much stimulation for her brain to bear. She lost concentration and struggled to remember everything she knew.

Once Esther understood her personality type, she could arrange her work to complement her nature. She could insist her colleagues give her advance notice of speaking events so she could prepare adequately. Esther's senses would still be stimulated but the extra preparation would help offset that and keep her in her sweet spot – confident, unflustered, and with her memory intact.

Like Esther, if we're being challenged to do things at work that clash with our personality type, we can put in place boundaries to make our lives easier and help us perform as well as our more extroverted colleagues.

But there are other times when it's a good idea to adopt extrovert behavior, even if we don't feel very outgoing, according to the author. In other words, we need to fake it to make it. But isn't this pretending to be something we're not? And doesn't that go against everything the author believes about staying true to our nature and embracing our personality type?

The author acknowledges this contradiction but argues it's OK to act like an extrovert as long as it's in the service of a professional or personal calling. She draws on research by Dr Brian Little, a professor and speaker in the field of personality and motivational psychology.

Little developed Free Trait Theory. He believes fixed traits and free traits coexist within all of us. We may be born and bred an introvert but we can act out of character in the name of work we consider important, people we love, or something we value highly. He calls these things our core personal projects.

Little is an introvert himself, but he spends much of his time lecturing students or giving speeches – classic extrovert territory. He lectures with great passion because he's deeply committed to opening his students' minds and he cares about their wellbeing. Little's students don't believe him when he says he's an introvert. He puts on a very good act.

But introverts can't keep up this act for very long and will need to find what the author calls ‘restorative niches' – times and places to get back to their true self.

Little found a restorative niche when he was asked to speak to officers at a military college. After his morning lecture, the top military brass invited him for lunch. But he knew all the small talk would exhaust him ahead of his afternoon speech.

He came up with a quick excuse – he had a love for ship design and wanted to make the most of his visit by looking at the boats on the nearby river. He spent his lunch hour walking along the river pathway where he got back in touch with his introverted self. He returned year after year and followed the same routine – until the college moved away from the river. The only restorative niche he could find then was the men's washroom!

If you're an introvert who has to go to endless network events or cocktail parties in the name of your profession, maybe you've also sought refuge in the restrooms. But perhaps you've felt there was always something wrong with you. This book helps break the stigma around introversion and gives you permission to be you, while also offering some practical tools to negotiate an extroverted world.

Sometimes, an introverted personality can help when you least expect it.

The author introduces us to Jon Berghoff, a stereotypical introvert. He's not much of a talker, he considers his words carefully, and he prefers to stay silent in a large group. But Jon is also an excellent salesman.

Jon started selling kitchen knives door-to-door in junior high, going into people's homes, sitting at their dinner table, and talking to them about their food preparation habits. He was a natural. A year into the job, he'd broken countless sales records, although at school he remained socially awkward, spending his lunchtime in the library.

Three years on, he'd recruited, hired, and trained ninety other reps, and sales had soared on his patch. Jon went on to launch a coaching and sales training business and since then he's given speeches, training seminars, and private consultations to more than thirty thousand salespeople and managers.

So what's the secret to Jon's success? As an introvert, Jon loves serious conversation and is a great listener. People buy from him not because of his persuasive sales patter but because they feel understood. We may think selling is for extroverts only and that it's all about enthusiasm and fast-talking. But Jon discovered it was about asking questions, earning trust, listening intently, and showing empathy.

We think there's a lesson here for anyone who works in sales or has to sell as part of their job. Many introverts are naturally shy and don't feel comfortable persuading people to buy something from them. But if you think about Jon's success, maybe you can approach sales differently and pitch your ideas, products or services in a way that works for you.

"Quiet" has plenty of tips like these to help introverts make the most of their personality type or negotiate a world of extroverts. Each case study or anecdote is backed up by psychological theory or neurological experiments, which make for fascinating reading if you're interested in how the brain works.

But there is a lot of theory in this book – there's a reference to an experiment or research paper every few pages – and we think the author labors some of her points and indulges in too much detail. The book drags on a little and would have benefited from a tighter structure.

Some of her arguments are also a little simplistic. She blames the 2008 financial meltdown and the Enron scandal on the fact there were a lot of extroverts at the helm. While there may be some truth in this, her statements are quite sweeping. She can also be a bit dismissive of gregarious types, while assuming most introverts struggle with their personalities.

Finally, the author's definitions of introversion and extroversion are quite broad, which she explains and defends in a final note. We don't think this will be a problem for most readers, but experts in the field or those who prefer precision may question her use of these terms.

Aside from these criticisms and the book's all-American focus, we think most readers will enjoy "Quiet," whether they're introverted, extroverted or a mix of both. There's advice for managers and employees, for parents and children, and for husbands and wives. There's history and social commentary. And there's some fascinating material about psychology and neurology.

"Quiet" by Susan Cain is published by John Wiley & Sons Ltd.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.