Nonviolent communication is one answer.

What Is Nonviolent Communication?

For most people, the word nonviolence most likely conjures up an image of Mahatma Gandhi, whose famous peaceful resistance to British rule helped India to secure independence in 1947.

But nonviolent communication (NVC) – while based on the Indian spiritual tradition of Ahimsa – was developed in the 1960s by clinical psychologist, Marshall Rosenberg.

He described four principles of NVC:

1. Observation. Look objectively and without judgment at what is happening. What are others doing that you like or don’t like? Establishing the facts can help us to separate them from our emotions.
2. Feelings. What emotions are being triggered by the situation? How do you feel? How do others feel? Naming the feelings being experienced can help us to develop mutual respect and empathy.
3. Needs. What unmet needs or values are driving the feelings you’ve identified? When our needs are being met, we tend to feel happy and positive, but when they’re not, we might get angry, frustrated or upset. By naming the feelings you or others are experiencing, you can gain clarity about what unmet needs lie behind those emotions.
4. Requests. Ask clearly and specifically what you want to happen to get your needs met. This is a request, not a demand: at this point you are opening the conversation and inviting alternative suggestions that could suit all parties.

By following these steps, you are taking on the responsibility of getting your own needs met – rather than waiting around for someone else to figure it out.

Nonviolent Communication in the Workplace

The workplace can be a source of conflict. It can be caused by poor communication, perceived unfair treatment, conflicting personal values, or unwelcome change. The list is pretty long!

For a personal example, I remember the anger and frustration at being assigned a task that I felt was unfairly delegated and with inadequate reasoning. But here’s how I defused a potentially confrontational situation using NVC:

1. I observed.

As a product owner, I was finding it difficult to balance my unique duties with team tasks that anyone could have taken on. One of those tasks really bothered me. It involved preparing, scheduling, facilitating, and sharing notes about our scrum meetings.

As part of my observation, I monitored what that task involved in terms of extra work and its impact on my overall performance. I found that this imposed new duty accounted for about 20 percent of my total work time!

2. I identified my feelings.

I acknowledged my growing sense of frustration. But I came to realize that what was really bothering me wasn’t the task itself; I was disappointed with how things had turned out.

3. What did I want?

But why was this? Which of my needs were not being met?

I realized that I was angry that the task had just landed on my lap. There was no team conversation beforehand. Any one of us could have done the task, and I wanted it to be more fairly delegated across the team.

I also wanted the necessary time to maintain the quality of my core and more crucial work, which had been suffering.

4. I made my request.

I used what I’d learned to request more support from my colleagues, and they obliged. I gradually decreased the number of times I had to facilitate the scrum meetings. I now spend only around 12 percent of my time doing so.

How to Use Nonviolent Statements to Frame Requests

You can apply NVC using the following sentence structure (or something similar to suit your situation):

“When ‘xyz’ happens [observation], I feel [feeling] because I need [describe your wants/need]. Would you be willing to... [request]?”

For example, you might say:

“When you talk over me in meetings, I feel demoralized and unimportant because I’m not getting the opportunity to share my opinions. Would you agree to give people the time to share their ideas and opinions? And maybe we could set up a different channel or collaboration board where people can have their say if they didn’t get to do so in the meeting?”

Using nonviolent communication at work has given me lots of opportunities for self-reflection. It’s also helped me to clarify and vocalize my needs in a way that’s professional, assertive and empathetic. Now that I use nonviolent communication in my daily work, I’m seeing better results in getting what I want.

What's Next?

Workplace conflict generally falls into two categories: personality conflict (disagreements between individuals) and substantive conflict (tangible, task-related disagreements).

NVC is a useful tool for resolving them, but there are also other tried-and-true approaches. For example, raise issues early before they fester; manage your emotions; and use active listening. Learn more in our article, Conflict Resolution.

If you're a manager or leader, and there is conflict within your team, you can explore a five-step resolution framework in our article, How to Manage Workplace Conflict.

Tip of the Week

How to Manage People Better Than You

By Keith Jackson, Mind Tools Managing Editor

Chances are, one day, you’ll interview someone so impressive that you actually feel a bit anxious for your own job. Or you’ll inherit an outstanding team member who is smarter or better than you.

Now, you could deal with the former by “accidentally” filing your interview notes in the trash, and you could be so obnoxious to the latter that they seek new opportunities elsewhere. Problems solved – you’re safe in your self-sabotaging managerial mediocrity!

But you don’t have to feel threatened by team members with amazing skills and experience. Recognize them for the gifts they bring. When they perform well, the team looks good, and you look good!

Here are a few things to consider when managing top talent:

• Don’t let it damage your self-confidence. Remember your own talents and accomplishments.
• Hiring people better than you makes you a great manager!
• Keep them motivated and engaged with interesting and challenging work.
• High achievers and performers are an asset to the whole company, not just your team, so share their successes with the wider organization.
• Don’t hold them back if new opportunities arise elsewhere. If you’re known as a boss who embraces and further develops talent without smothering it – then the best people will be beating a path to you and your organization.

Pain Points Podcast

What do you do when people are absent from the team? When head count is down, the remaining team’s workload goes up! This tricky management situation is the topic up for discussion in the latest episode of Pain Points – the exclusive podcast for Mind Tools members.

So join senior editor Jonathan and guests as they take on this problem, sharing stories and tips on dealing with absence.

Subscribe Today

News Roundup

This Week's Global Workplace Insights

Managers Rejoice, Your Jobs Are Safe!

Well, maybe not 100 percent safe from decisions made above, but perhaps increasingly so from happy team members and younger generations of workers below.

A survey of 27,000 workers across 34 countries found that 39 percent of workers were so content with their lot that they did not want to be promoted.

The same January 2024 survey, Workmonitor 2024, by Dutch HR specialists Randstad, revealed that 34 percent of workers canvassed don't want to be managers at all.

Randstad CEO Sander van ‘t Noordende told Business Insider, "Talent is rethinking what ambition means, putting work-life balance, flexibility, equity, and skilling at the heart of career decisions."

The report follows up a survey from the end of 2023 that shows young workers don’t want to become managers.

Writing in online business magazine Entrepreneur, Ryan Wong, CEO of business analytic firm Visier, said the title of manager was no longer something to aspire to.

He said, “For many, the stress and time commitment of management simply outweigh any added benefits... People see managerial responsibilities as a non-starter for work-life balance.”

Is the Clock Ticking for Businesses on TikTok?

A new book suggests that using Instagram and TikTok to make your business stand out from the crowd is more likely to turn it into a dull clone.

In “Filterworld,” technology writer Kyle Chayka argues that rather than encourage differentiation, keeping up with the latest social media algorithms has resulted in homogenized design and culture.

Using “cafe culture” as an example, Chayka told Inc.com that cafes often look the same, “because they were following each other on Instagram, copying each other's aesthetics, and following the generic style... promoted in Instagram's algorithmic feeds.”

How do you beat what Inc.com calls the “tyranny of algorithms”? Chayka says it requires a return to providing more human connections and choosing authenticity over social media’s “physical form of search-engine optimization.”

How can businesses stay authentic in the digital revolution? See our Book Insight, Disrupting Digital Business: Create an Authentic Experience in the Peer-to-Peer Economy.

See you next week for more member-exclusive content and insight from the Mind Tools team!