Shrinking Violets: The Secret Life of Shyness

"Shrinking Violets: The Secret Life of Shyness" has been described as a cultural history. It explores and explains different aspects of shyness, ranging from embarrassment to being tongue-tied, and from performing as a shy person to attempts to eliminate shyness in certain cultures.

In fact, readers learn a lot about the ways that different characteristics of shyness have been treated and responded to in different times and places. We think of shyness as a drawback, but Moran believes it can be the source of profound insights and provide a unique outlook on the world.

The book is full of bite-size biographies and anecdotes about famous shy people. Each chapter opens with an entertaining story that sheds light on the aspect of shyness it explores. The anecdotes showcase the paradoxical gifts that shyness can bring and the things it shows us about human nature.

In chapter one, "A Tentative History," Moran introduces the concept of shyness as a form of social ineptness and discomfort. He writes that, quote, "Shyness also arises from a kind of social deafness, a tin ear for non-verbal cues, a sense that you've failed to grasp some invisible thread that holds communal life together," end quote.

That may sound like a handicap, but shyness is part of human nature, and even deeper than that, it's part of nature. The author points to studies of animals that indicate a shy-to-bold continuum of behavior. In nature, some creatures are simply more risk averse than others, and this can change with their environment.

Shyness wasn't always well understood. Ormonde Maddock Dalton, a scholar and curator at the British Museum, wrote a sort of history of shyness in 1908. In it, he claimed that shyness was a modern invention. He thought it developed out of the increased privacy and social stratification of ancient Rome. Moran proves this false by giving examples of several ancient Greeks who experienced and wrote about their shyness.

As part of the human condition, shyness reveals a lot about what it's like to be a person among other people. Being shy can be isolating to experience, but only because we're aware of and thinking about other people. In this way, shyness shows how connected human beings are.

In chapter two, "This Odd State of Mind," we learn about the famous English reserve and the unusual habits that can arise from being shy. Here, the author's deep knowledge of British cultural history shines through. It's worth noting that Moran's research is U.K.-centric and takes England as its focus. There's a lot of discussion of English culture, English attitudes, and shy English exemplars.

These are generally well explained. So, if you're from another culture, you can translate the concepts to your own context as needed. This might be easier and more appealing for some readers than others.

And while the book is England-centric, that's not to the exclusion of other cultures. We learn about shyness in the Nordic countries and in Papua New Guinea, and Japan's hikikomori or social shut-ins, to give a few human examples. These combine with examples from the animal kingdom, and even a few from plants, to give the sense that shyness is everywhere.

When it comes to oddity, one character stands out in this chapter. Lord William Cavendish-Scott-Bentinck, the Duke of Portland, built a maze of tunnels under his estate in order to avoid people. Moran notes that while shy people want to avoid attention, their avoidant behaviors often end up attracting more attention. They might look peculiar or even attention seeking.

When Moran discusses embarrassment, we meet more oddballs, such as the computer scientist Alan Turing. He once tried to invite his colleagues for dinner without disturbing them, by scratching an invitation on a leaf with a twig. We learn about the Shetland crofters on the island of Unst, who had elaborate social codes that allowed them to avoid talking too much.

Throughout history and into the modern day, indirect forms of communication such as letter writing and texts have played a big part in enabling shy people to communicate without embarrassment. Are shy people responsible for the popularity of these forms of nonverbal communication? Moran doesn't say so directly, but he makes the idea seem worth thinking about.

The book covers the challenges that shy people have with small talk. Anthropologists have found that conversational conventions about the weather and how people are doing play an important role in strengthening social bonds. Shy people may find themselves at a disadvantage here, as they're often uncomfortable with chitchat.

Of course, different cultures vary in their communication styles. But even more reserved cultures, like the Swedish, acknowledge the problem of being too quiet, with sayings like "to kill by silence." Talking can be hard for shy people, and the chapter covers communication difficulties such as the famous story of King George VI's stammer.

It's interesting to learn that the British people sympathized with his embarrassment and rallied behind him. They claimed that his speech was getting better, even when that was not the case. The king dealt with his speech challenges by finding work-arounds and substituting one word for another.

Reticence can, of course, conceal other gifts. It often indicates a slower, more-methodical way of thinking that lends itself well to strategy. The author gives the military examples of Clement Attlee, Charles de Gaulle, and Archibald Wavell. Wavell, in particular, devised ingenious ways of fooling wartime enemies. But because of his shyness, his contributions have been under-recognized.

In fact, it's common for the contributions of shy people to be overlooked. That doesn't mean they have less to contribute. They're just less loud about what they do. It's heartening to see Moran excavate various shy figures' contributions to history, even if the focus is mainly on British history, and even if he inevitably must draw from the lives of people famous enough not to be forgotten.

That's mostly a lot of successful or wealthy white men, with a secondary category of successful or wealthy white women. Perhaps the author could have looked further afield to draw on a more-diverse category of shy individual biographies. He shares an anecdote about the Melanesian people as a general cultural reference, for example, but it would have been great to read about an individual from that culture.

Coming back to communication, Moran wonders if there's something to be said for being thoughtful with our words. Is an awkward silence really the worst thing in the world? He notes that shy people are often more aware than others that language is limited, and people can't always make themselves understood.

Further chapters talk about stage fright, shy artists, and the war against shyness, which involved efforts to minimize shyness in English and American culture in the 1960s. Psychological movements in both countries focused on reducing shy behavior, and extroversion became more valued in public life. You'll hear more about this later.

Moran makes the interesting observation that people are impacted by shyness differently in different situations. Some people are comfortable conversing at a party but get tongue-tied when they face an audience. Others experience the opposite. There are many shy performers, like Morrissey, who channel their shyness into a personality that appeals to an audience and communicates through performance. For a subset of shy people, performing is easier than one-on-one social interaction.

It's worth noting that public speaking is a very common fear, for people all over the world. One cause of this phobia is the separation between audience and performer. The term "stage fright" was coined in the Victorian era, when theater audiences first stayed silent with their eyes glued to the people on stage. Previously, people would talk, clap and shout throughout a play. The new performance norms meant there was a lot more to be nervous about!

For shy people, though, even everyday interaction can be nerve-racking. Yet some, like artists, still want to communicate, and they find ways to do so that mitigate their discomfort. Some individuals find it easier to share their ideas through highly structured performances. Performing online or with audio-only are other ways that shy people have found their voices. Moran shares tales of famous artists and performers who've used these techniques to help them communicate.

As you heard earlier, when shy people have something to contribute, it can be compelling, whether it's military strategy, storytelling, or technological innovation. This book is an attempt to equalize the playing field between the shy and the non-shy, and to recognize the value of what shyer people bring to the world. Shyness can even be cool in certain contexts. Moran references the cultures of geeks and nerds that have grown in areas such as Silicon Valley. Shyness' odd cachet has historical roots too. Aristocratic families once cultivated it as a virtue that elevated them above commoners.

Moran's discussions of shy performance and strengths are insightful. While this isn't a business book, considering its insights could have an impact when working with a team. What are the shy people you work with good at? Are there areas where they strategize or perform exceptionally well? What methods of interaction are they most comfortable with? If you keep the strengths of your shyer colleagues at the forefront, who knows what they can accomplish. And if you're shy yourself, you can ask yourself these same questions.

Chapter 7, about "The War Against Shyness," is interesting for its discussion of evolving attitudes toward this trait. The Victorians saw shyness as an inbuilt character trait that couldn't be changed. This fits with the animal research that Moran references, showing that some animals are simply shyer than others of the same species.

This sits alongside the idea that context can impact shyness too, in humans as well as animals. We see a lot of examples where people in one place are generally more reserved than people from another. If you've traveled, you've probably seen these cultural differences for yourself. That's because cultures value and encourage the expression – or suppression – of certain traits.

In the 1960s, both British and American cultural norms conspired against shyness, with psychologists training patients in social skills and governments attempting to break down class barriers. Social anxiety appeared as a diagnosis in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which was used internationally to diagnose psychiatric conditions.

But can shyness really be cured? Moran suggests that our shyness can be accommodated and worked around at best. If you're shy, it's best to accept that part of yourself, and you can be assured that you're not alone.

So, what's our last word on "Shrinking Violets"?

Shyness itself is defined vaguely in the book. Instead of coming to a clear definition or diagnosis for what this term means, the book examines a group of traits and attitudes in turn. You can think of it as a shy person's way of considering shyness. It's a meandering narrative that is tentative to draw conclusions.

The book doesn't make ambitious promises or offer how-tos. Instead, it aims to provide understanding and solace. And because its promises are modest, aimed at helping readers understand shy people rather than changing the world, we believe it does what it sets out to do. It's largely left up to readers to apply the insights to any sort of conclusion or action.

There are many different kinds of shyness and many different kinds of shy people. Readers will relate to some examples more than others. Given their breadth, if readers have experienced any form of shyness, they'll likely find some insight here to illuminate their own timidity and reserve.

So we recommend this book for people who see themselves as shy and want to feel understood. This group of readers will likely feel less alone when they put the book down, and may see more value in this sometimes-painful trait.

We also recommend "Shrinking Violets" for people interested in the concept of shyness, or in British cultural history. And finally, it could be insightful for readers who are not shy, but who want to understand the shy people in their lives a little better.

"Shrinking Violets: The Secret Life of Shyness" by Joe Moran is published by Profile Books.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.