Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace

And yet… conflict is cathartic. Conflict is creative. It may put our professional relationships and our personal wellbeing at risk, but, according to "Sandbox Strategies," conflict is necessary. It's only by going through conflict – within ourselves, and between us and others – that we can all hope to thrive at work today. And yes, it's the sandbox of the title where this sort of constructive conflict plays out.

The sandbox is Tremblay's vision of a workplace where people learn to use skills like creativity, collaboration and curiosity to embrace any conflict they encounter. And the rules for the sandbox are her steps to doing just that. Getting "hands-on" with conflict. Being proactive about making things better.

She's developed the sandbox analogy – and the eight-part "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E." acronym that goes with it – over a long career as a trainer and mediator. But this book also reveals the tough experiences in her personal life that have shaped her thinking. She pulls no punches about the challenges involved in dealing with conflict. But, from the start, she makes a very persuasive case for rolling up your sleeves, joining her in the sandbox, and digging in.

So keep listening to discover the three best tools for tackling conflict; what happens when you try to bury the past; and why differences between people can drive them together, not apart.

It's an understatement to call "Sandbox Strategies" an ambitious book. When Penny Tremblay talks about conflict, she includes pretty much every form of workplace difficulty you can think of – personal doubts and fears, arguments between colleagues, team power struggles, inequality, harassment, bullying, and more. So every reader will have experience of at least something on this list, from the frustrating to the downright dangerous.

But can one book really hope to cover every type of conflict? And can they all be tackled with the same approach?

To assess that, let's start by exploring some of the steps in Tremblay's "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" technique. If the sandbox is a place where people can safely dig into challenges, "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" provides the laws of the land.

First, "P:" "position yourself for success." We've got to be in the right mental and emotional state to cope with conflict. And facing up to new conflict, Tremblay says, often means dealing with past conflict first.

She describes a time when she was feeling all the signs of being in conflict, as she prepared to meet someone for a date. It should have felt exciting; her date was attractive, she says, wealthy, a real catch. But she had a lump in her throat, her voice was shaking, and her emotions were in turmoil. It was bad enough for her to call a therapist friend, who helped her to unpick the problem.

In the course of their conversation, Tremblay realized that it was her date's wealth that was triggering her anxieties. And that she was carrying conflicted feelings with her from the past – based on a childhood experience involving other wealthy people, the family of her one-time best friend.

Many years ago, this family had decided that young Penny wasn't good enough for their daughter, because her family wasn't as well-off as them. Lies had been spread, and horrible things said to split the girls apart. But Tremblay had never dealt with the hurt she'd suffered. Instead, she'd bottled up her feelings of low self-worth – particularly around people with money – along with some deep-seated fears of being manipulated and hurt again.

As a result, all these years later, she was in conflict with her date even before she'd met the guy!

So she had to deal with these feelings, by reframing limiting beliefs, forgiving herself and others, and repositioning herself to be positive about new challenges. Rather than to just expect the pain of conflict, time after time.

Tremblay says it's worth all of us noticing when we're fearing the worst about an upcoming event or interaction and asking ourselves why, as the first step to preparing ourselves for it better. We'll struggle with conflict if we go in feeling afraid, pessimistic, or overly self-protective, she says. But three key traits will position us perfectly: curiosity, agility and teamwork.

Curiosity gets us asking the right questions about how we've been "wired" to feel about conflict. It also opens our minds to other people's perspectives – and to the possibilities that conflict can bring. Think of the excited curiosity of a child let loose in the sand (and get used to that sandbox analogy reappearing again and again!).

Agility includes responding to others' ideas and needs, being innovative – and willing to change. Kids play in free-flowing sand, Tremblay points out, not cement!

And teamwork involves some new skills in a world of remote and hybrid working, but still requires timeless traits like good communication , supportiveness and empathy . Picture children working in harmony to build sandcastles together.

If you make these your strengths, Tremblay says, you'll be well positioned for whatever conflict lies ahead.

And then the "L" in "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" should further strengthen your position – when you "lighten your load." But this means doing more than just reshaping how you approach conflict, because it's time to get rid of any emotional baggage that might be weighing you down.

Tremblay's story here is about being rejected from a college course, and her father telling her that she was too stupid to go anyway. Not surprisingly, she started carrying around a strong sense of inferiority, and found it difficult to engage with other professionals as equals.

She cites emotional damage from the past as another all-too common reason why people don't do well with conflict – because it's often not "them" trying to cope with it, but an older version of themselves that's still mired in negativity.

Even when she herself was doing well, whenever conflict arose, she could flick from middle-aged professional to teenage college reject in an instant. And guess what? That version of her didn't do very well with conflict!

So here's the way she pulls herself into the present moment again – when she spots habitual behavior holding her back, she works through three questions.

First, when did she have this reaction for the first time in her life? When she first backed off from conflict because she felt less than equal, for example.

Next, what's under this? In this case, her college failure, certainly, but particularly her dad's response to it and what that meant for her.

And third, what's she getting out of it? All behaviors serve some purpose. Maybe this one is a way to avoid feelings of regret – or the risk of failing herself and others again.

Exploring these questions can help to start breaking negative cycles of thoughts , feelings and actions, so you don't have to take lots of clutter into the sandbox with you.

Focused strategies like this one are an attractive feature of this book, as are the short, subtitled sections that break up each chapter. There's a lot to grapple with in "Sandbox Strategies," so it really helps that the content is segmented and signposted this way. And the techniques and tools sprinkled throughout the book feel like immediate ways to start shaping up your conflict skills. Tremblay keeps showing how the "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" approach works with conflict in many shapes and forms.

She also makes it clear that all eight of the steps will take practice. It's refreshing that she highlights her own failings as well as successes. She even shines a light on conflict within her family life, which led to a messy breakup and estrangement from her son for a while.

But crucially, by engaging with conflict, and using it to learn and grow, she's a role model for the benefits on offer. She's overcome countless professional struggles. And she's even worked through things with her son so they're on speaking terms again.

Some of the other steps in "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" are established approaches that most readers will be familiar with – and could likely guess would be important during conflict. "A" is "actively listen," for example, to hear what people are really saying, and to make them feel heard.

And "E" is "empathize," to help find shared ground. As the author herself admits, many of these ideas are just basic common sense. The important thing is that they aren't forgotten when conflict raises its head – which can happen all too easily when emotions run high, and the "fight or flight" response kicks in. That's why she's created the "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" acronym as a calming, focused, in-the-moment checklist.

And even though many of its ideas are tried-and-true, "Sandbox Strategies" draws out some subtle new links between them, notably on the theme of understanding.

Conflict is often fueled by misunderstanding, and it pitches people against each other. So knowing your conflict "character" and emotional baggage, listening well, empathizing, and many other elements of "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" are about understanding yourself and others.

The importance of respect at work is also emphasized throughout, as is fair play. The sandbox is a helpful reminder that adults, like children, can quickly fall out if they feel they're being treated unfairly.

The key is "assertive play," where people have fun, but it's also purposeful. They tackle difficult things together, but no one gets pushed around.

And there's a powerful section on inclusion –"I" is "include everyone" – showing how exclusion often brews conflict, and why it's so valuable to tackle problems from a diverse range of viewpoints. Tremblay's clear that inclusion has to extend to real involvement . When that happens, differences that might otherwise divide people can, in the sandbox, inspire spicy discussions and help to convert conflict into positive change.

Overall, the "P.L.A.Y. N.I.C.E" acronym is designed to aid understanding, and it certainly helps to structure the author's wide scope and numerous ideas. Some readers may find it frustrating, though, as long mnemonics like this can – ironically – be hard to recall!

And this is especially true when the language has to be squeezed to fit the initials. "Y" stands for "yield to your why," for example, in a section about knowing your true motivation. And you're more likely to misremember "L" as "listening," not the more metaphorical "lighten your load."

The sandbox idea is also problematic. It works best when it represents safe, "boundaried" play, where people can collaborate creatively and work through any conflicts that arise. But when Tremblay mentions people burying secrets in the sand, sifting sand, getting lost in sandstorms, or digging moats for their sandcastles... it feels like the analogy has been stretched to the breaking point.

And when it's combined with other metaphors – at one point we're in the sand, but also imagining taking bites of food, at the same time as playing poker – some of the best ideas are in danger of getting lost.

But perhaps the biggest challenge for readers is to see the sandbox idea as being relevant to the workplace at all.

Each part of the analogy works well enough. It's surely good to explore problems creatively. We need ways to work alongside others and solve any issues that arise. Boundaries provide safety and structure. Childlike confidence, openness and playfulness break down barriers and build bonds.

And yet... doesn't childhood play serve distinctly different developmental processes? Don't different rules apply to children and adults – along with different consequences when things go wrong? And when a child's playtime is over, doesn't someone else usually clean up the mess?

Some of the most jarring moments in the book are when serious conflict, like bullying or harassment, is discussed on the same page as childhood play. Rightly, Tremblay recommends strong actions in these cases, including seeking expert support. But suddenly we're a long way from the sandbox.

So it's an analogy that carries some interesting and very positive ideas, but also raises questions about the harsh realities of conflict for adults at work. And this is a book that will likely provoke varying reactions among readers, and challenge everyone who picks it up. Which is fitting, really, since its stated aim is to get us embracing conflict: to unpick difficult ideas; to become more comfortable with discomfort; to find our own ways of resolving things.

There's no doubt that we need ways to cope with conflict, now more than ever – and there are plenty of good ideas here about doing so. Many are only lightly drawn, but the author's honest, authentic-sounding stories will inspire many readers to follow the references and go into more depth for themselves.

Backed up by recent data about the extent and impact of conflict at work, Tremblay makes a strong case for digging into conflict now – to get into practice for even greater challenges to come. And, whether she intended it or not, the experience of reading her book will likely make you feel that your work with conflict has already begun!

"Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace" by Penny Tremblay is published by Rowman and Littlefield.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.