Solving Tough Problems: An Open Way of Talking, Listening, and Creating New Realities

Instead, "Solving Tough Problems" teaches you how to solve problems by being fully present in the situation, really listening to others, and talking openly from your heart. In this book, solving problems is about truly meeting someone in the middle and humbling yourself enough to learn something new from them.

Surprised? You should be. This book takes a very different approach from most other problem-solving books. Open talking and sincere listening really can solve the most complex problems, but only if they're done right. This book will teach you how to do just that.

If you'd like to learn how to solve problems by conversation, instead of by force or coercion, then this is the book for you. And if you're in any kind of leadership role, then you won't want to miss some of the valuable lessons you'll learn here. Thanks to the grace of the author's writing, these lessons will be useful in life outside work, as well as in the office.

The author, Adam Kahane, is an international mediation consultant and an expert at solving incredibly complex problems. He's worked with dozens of corporations, governments, and civic leaders on some of the toughest issues in the world. From South Africa during its transition from apartheid, to countries like Colombia and Argentina during upheaval and collapse, Kahane has helped extremely bitter, warring groups come together and talk peacefully.

What makes "Solving Tough Problems" unique is the way it's presented. The author's written the book as a kind of biography, weaving these moving lessons in and out of the stories of his life. And don't think it's a book where he waxes on about what a great mediator he is. The author spends just as much time telling us about the mistakes he's made along the way as he does telling us what works.

The simplicity of his writing style is impressive, as is his ability to balance all the different issues in the book.

So, keep listening to find out the number-one reason so many of us can't seem to work together, why being polite might not be the most effective way to solve a problem, and why most of us aren't really listening. Ever.

"Solving Tough Problems" is divided into four sections: tough problems, talking, listening, and creating new realities.

The author wasn't always a great problem solver, and he spends the first section of the book getting us up to speed on how he got into the field of mediation.

Thanks to his background in physics, the author used to believe that every problem only had one right answer. But, we all know that the real world isn't so black and white. Once he got his master's in economics and entered the workforce, he began to see that often, problems had several right answers.

He began to realize that in the world, problems usually get solved in one of two ways. Either the most powerful person or group intimidates everyone else by using force, or the group gets stuck during negotiations and abandons the effort altogether.

As the author moved through the ups and downs of his career as a strategic planner and mediator, he kept wondering if there was a way to solve these tough problems peacefully. Was there a way to find a solution where everyone was respected and benefited in some way?

The more situations the author encountered, the more he understood what the main problem was. In short, people weren't really talking to each other and they weren't listening.

Sure, it seemed as if they were. And, it seems almost too simplistic to suggest that this could be at the root of the problem. But in the second section, on talking, he begins to explain the mistake that everyone keeps making.

Think about this for a moment: If you're in a leadership position, how often have you been in a meeting to discuss a challenging situation and wound up just telling everyone else what to do? And if you're not in a leadership role, how often have you sat through just such a meeting?

Much like a dictatorship, the author says, companies are set up to be authoritarian regimes. Often, the chain of command can produce leaders who are inflexible, or even downright bullies. This leaves employees looking over their shoulders and afraid to speak up.

When simple problems need solving, this works out well. The leader talks to everyone else, doling out orders and dictating solutions. But for larger, more complex problems, it's disastrous. This pattern of talking down is closed, because everyone else is afraid to speak up. So nothing truly creative can come out of that approach.

Another common problem that many of us have with talking is that we're too polite. It sounds funny right? But when you think about it, it's true. When we're part of a group trying to work through a problem, most of the time we're calm, dispassionate, and impersonal.

The author tells us that this veil of politeness is exactly what keeps us from finding a workable solution. Politeness is just another form of not talking, and this is true in your family circle on up to your company boardroom. Most people are uncomfortable with the thought of opening their heart up to others and really saying what's on their mind.

But think about what happens when someone gets up and speaks with passion, from their heart. This openness draws people in and deepens the conversation. You're touched by their honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. Talking like this doesn't follow the rules, but it's the only way to really get to the meat of a problem and openly discuss how to solve it.

Without passion and honesty, we keep saying what we always say, and we maintain the status quo. That's no way to find a creative solution.

The author makes this clear by sharing a poignant example from his own experiences. In nineteen ninety-two he was hired to be part of a Canadian team whose aim was to ease tensions between Quebec separatists and Canadian federalists. The two parties had been bitter rivals for decades, and so far no one had been able to bring them together to work out their differences.

During the meetings, the author was struck by how dispassionate and polite everyone was being. A few of the younger participants would occasionally get riled up, but overall everyone was distant, doing nothing but dancing in circles around the real issues.

This changed for one moment, when a young man stood up and spoke from his heart about his father, who has been directly impacted by the tensions of these two groups. His story brought to light the real face of this separatism, and his passion touched the author deeply.

While the man was speaking, the author saw clearly, in just a few minutes, what 25 years of reading the newspapers hadn't been able to convey to him. Because of that man's passion, he was able to see what was driving these two groups, and the effect their rivalry was having on ordinary people.

But this young man was the only person to lift the veil of politeness and speak from the heart. After he was done speaking, the group went on as before, almost as though nothing had happened. Unfortunately, the author didn't realize until later how important that one moment had been.

The group eventually came to some conclusions, but they were conclusions that the author admits did nothing, and that no one cared about. After five meetings, the group was essentially where they were at the beginning. Nothing new or creative had been accomplished, because no one would open up to really talk about the problem.

The author reflects that if he'd had the presence of mind to seize that one moment of real honesty, things might have turned out very differently.

Another story the author shares in this section shows us how opening up really can transform a group. It's a story about his involvement with a team in Colombia. Their goal was to provide a safe environment for the country's politicians and warring guerillas to come together and have an open conversation about peace.

It's an incredibly courageous tale that, at times, will leave your mouth hanging open in amazement. And, it's proof positive that being open and willing to truly listen really can make a difference.

Many readers will find a lot of value in this section. The author's ability to shed light on the subtler aspects of communication is incredibly refreshing. It's apparent that things don't have to be as complicated as we make them, and that's what so enlightening about these chapters. Communication is at its best when it's simple and heartfelt. And it's here that you'll learn how to do that.

The next topic the author dives into is listening, and he makes an important point right at the beginning. Talking alone does nothing. It's only when heartfelt talking is combined with complete listening that real change can take place.

Most people don't really listen. In a debate or argument, one person will talk while the other simply waits for their turn. Real listening is rarely part of the equation.

Why is this the case? Well, the author says the reason so many people don't listen is that true listening only happens when we open ourselves up to change. When we give someone our full and honest attention, we accept the fact that we might not be right, or that we might learn something completely new that forces us to change.

Most people don't like this degree of vulnerability. It takes them out of their comfort zone. So they cut themselves off by not giving everyone else their complete attention.

Another common problem is that we're often listening for something, which means we don't really hear anything else. So we're busy listening for what's right and what's wrong, and we can't hear what's possible. And when we can't hear what's possible, we can't create new solutions to old problems.

The author suggests that if we want to become better listeners, we have to be willing to not only hear what the other person is saying, but really reflect on the message. We have to be willing to be flexible, and we have to welcome change and new ideas with open arms.

We must also be willing to let go of our ideas. Most people keep their ideas close, holding onto them with a clenched fist. But when we open our hand and let go of those ideas, we unlock the door for honest conversation.

In the last section, on creating new realities, the author makes a striking point. He says the boundary that separates one person from another is thin and simple, although it's not always easy to crack. Once it does crack, though, most people in the group can feel the change. The subtle shift that takes place reminds everyone that they're all there for a common, shared purpose. This spirit of connection is vital for change to happen.

There are so many wonderful, enlightening messages in this book that it's impossible to pack them all in here. It's not often that we come across a business book that's so rich in experiences and so inspiring with its message. After reading "Solving Tough Problems" you'll feel that it really is possible to resolve complex situations with these simple solutions. But, it can only happen if you're willing to open yourself up enough to let it.

One piece of advice: If you really want to remember the valuable lessons in this book, you might want to have a highlighter nearby when you read.

As you heard before, there are no bullet points in this book. The important lessons are sprinkled through the author's stories like diamonds in the sand. Highlighting the messages you want to retain and go back to is the best way to find them easily again.

Was there anything we didn't like about "Solving Tough Problems"? We couldn't find anything to criticize. The author's ability to tell compelling stories is used masterfully to pass along his hard-won wisdom. Although it's not a book you can whizz through or skim, it's definitely worth your time to dive into it on a Sunday afternoon.

You'll be taken from conflicts in South Africa to violent scuffles in South America, and yet you won't be left feeling hopeless about the possibility of change. The author does a wonderful job giving us the tools we need to affect real change in the world.

And it all begins with conversation.

"Solving Tough Problems," by Adam Kahane, is published by Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights.