Dealing With Difficult Situations

• Find out what the situation is about. For example, if it is a meeting, ask what will be discussed and try to prepare your points and ideas, comments or inputs in advance.
• Research the topic. Know as much as you can about the subject matter to be discussed. If you don’t know something, ask or find out.
• Get your position on the topic straight in your mind. What outcomes you would like to achieve; what are the main points you would like to cover; which points you are willing to budge on; and where do you want to stick to your guns?
• Anticipate any questions the other person could ask or any issues that might arise. Think through how you might handle such issues and practice your responses.
• Think about how you can put your point across assertively. For example, “I have looked into that and in my opinion…” will have far more impact than “I’m not sure but… ”
• Run through the situation with a trusted colleague/friend and ask for their feedback on the content of what you intend to say and how you come across.

If They Cross the Line…

If the other person starts to become difficult and their behavior a barrier to communication, you might have to manage the situation in a different way:

Managing Anger

If the other person begins to get angry, the most important thing for you to do is to stay calm. Often our natural reaction is to meet aggression with aggression but this only serves to escalate already difficult situations. If you feel you are beginning to get stressed, focus for a second on calming yourself down. Breathe in deeply and let the air out slowly. As you breathe out, tighten the muscles around your diaphragm (the lower end of your rib cage). Relax at the end of exhalation. This will help you to calm down and prevent that nervous tremble in your voice. Distance yourself from the situation by telling yourself the anger is not directed at you personally, but at the situation.

To help you manage the other person’s anger, try the following [1]:

1. Make sure you understand the other person by asking for clarification (“So you’re saying… ”).
2. Demonstrate empathy and state your point of view (“I understand why you are annoyed. I don’t believe that was the case, but I’d like to hear why you think it is”).
3. Only step up your assertion if the other person remains aggressive. You may do this by increasing the emphasis on your position (“I don’t agree”) and restate your reasons.
4. If you begin to feel frustrated, resentful or annoyed, you may like to express this (“It makes me feel frustrated when you… ” or “I’d like to sort out… ”)
5. If the discussion remains heated, you may have to resort to statements such as: “I can see that you are upset, let’s talk about this later.” But, make sure the situation is resolved and not left hanging.

Another technique you can try is 'mirroring'. [2] This is based on the idea that people who get on well with each other unconsciously mirror each other’s gestures and actions. You can use this to relate to others as it shows empathy and thus aids communication. It is important that the other person does not know you are doing this as they may see it as manipulation or even mockery. You must be subtle and use this technique only as an aid to communication, not for manipulation.

Method: alter your position slightly and slowly to align it with the position of the other person. Do not directly copy their actions. Alter your facial expression to be in tune with theirs. You probably do this naturally during everyday interactions. For example, if a friend is telling you a story in which they were angry, you might find yourself scowling a little.

You can increase the volume and pitch of your voice to match that of the other person. This is a way of acknowledging verbally that the anger is there. Gradually lower the volume and pitch as the situation progresses. When the heat has gone from the situation, you will be able to express your point of view and negotiate more successfully.

Managing Criticism

If the other person starts criticizing you personally, you can use a technique called ‘fogging’ to cope with the attack without rising to the bait or becoming defensive or aggressive. It is a way of objectively gathering the information that the critic offers, so that you can digest it and decide on the response that you think is appropriate.

Fogging involves agreeing with any true statements or probable truths, while not denying the criticism. For example: “You might be right; I could have made a mistake”. In this way, you are not necessarily accepting their criticism, just acknowledging that they may have a point. This lack of resistance will give them nothing to retaliate against while you deliberate the matter.

The following steps can also help you to deal objectively with criticism: [3]

• Listen to the criticism. Understand the content of the criticism rather than the way in which it has been phrased.
• Decide honestly whether there is truth in the criticism.
• Decide how to deal with the criticism: agree, partially agree or disagree.
• Choose appropriate language when replying. For example, if you say ‘you’re wrong’, this leaves fuel to argue further. Whereas, if you say ‘I disagree’ they can’t argue with your feelings. This is a more constructive way of getting your point across without fuelling an argument.

A Final Word

Whether the person you are communicating with is exercising their assertion, or if they start to become aggressive, don’t let yourself be intimidated. If you know your stuff, can separate yourself from the situation and apply assertive techniques, you can successfully and confidently communicate in any difficult situation.