Success Under Stress

Sharon Melnick: Well I think that we all experience the new normal, but just to put some statistics to give it context, the average business professional has 30 to 100 projects on their plate at any given time, we get interrupted on average seven times an hour, one out of two of us working in a large organization is going through a restructuring. So right there it just gives you the sense of the sheer volume of the work and the bombardment that we face throughout the day. Then there is the complexity of the work, and I think a lack of clarity is a very important factor for people working in organizations today. In fact, I even cite in the book a study from Booth and Co. a year or two ago – it says that over 60 percent of executives think that they have too many strategic priorities and that the company won't even be able to fulfill on them, so imagine if you're anywhere within the hierarchy of an organization you feel like you just have to throw spaghetti at the wall in order to see what sticks. So that's what it is that we have to deal with, with the too much to do. And then there's the interpersonal context, so an average manager might spend up to 42 percent of their time dealing with difficult people, and when I do webinars on this subject of dealing with friction and relationships with people at work, 85 percent of the people say that they spend between 30 to 90 minutes a day in frustration around those topics. So there's just so much that we have to deal with and I'm building a stacking effect here, and all of this is going on within a broader definition today of a whole life, think of the opportunity and variety of things that people want to accomplish. So, in terms of having quality of family time or pursuing interests and personal development or enjoyable activities or board work etc, so there's just been an explosion and also in the context of demands on our time and information overload, most people are carrying two devices that are calling for their attention. So I would say that all of this is the new normal and I think that even against the backdrop of the old way, as well for many of us who are also up against our own self-criticisms and our own doubts and fears in this age of uncertainty, so all of this is what we're facing on a daily basis and the backdrop against which we're trying to make our best contribution and I think that people just feel that they're up to here, and that the pace isn't sustainable, that they're close to the end of their rope, the end doesn't seem in sight and yet there doesn't seem to be any change on the horizon. Although I will say that I think that companies are definitely starting to respond, we definitely see that policies are being put into place to protect the performance and wellbeing of employees, like flexibility I think is the new conversation in companies, some companies are putting in work review committees just to deal with the overload, some progressive companies are putting in enhanced wellness facilities and Google is putting in a set of meditation rooms etc, some companies in Europe are putting no email after certain hours policies etc. So I do think that there is starting to be some response but we're really up against it in the new normal.

Rachel Salaman: And you make the distinction between survival under stress, which is the scenario you described at the beginning, and success under stress, can you talk us through the difference perhaps using an example to illustrate?

Sharon Melnick: Sure, so survival under stress characterizes most people's approach to their day, where you're just kind of trying to get through the minute, trying to get through the situation, trying to get through the day and you're not necessarily being proactive, you don't necessarily feel equipped for how to get out ahead of the situation, make it go your way and really manage yourself so that you can keep a steady focus and energy throughout the day. And success under stress is when you do have that toolkit, and no matter what comes at you, you feel like you can control how the situation goes, you can control your own response to it. So just to give an example, and this is an example that I give in the first chapter of the book, that let's say you enter into a mini crisis situation, which I know happens for many people all day long. It's 4 p.m. and your boss calls you into his office and he says, "I'm going to ask you if you can present at nine o'clock tomorrow morning in front of the senior management team, the president of the division is going to be there, they're doing a review of all the projects and our funding is on the line and I need you to come in and tell us about the project that you've been working on." So there you are in that moment, and so if you have a survival under stress approach or you're just not necessarily intentional as you go throughout your day, that is going to set off a cascade of responses, so immediately you're going to get hijacked in your physiology, the adrenalin rush is going to come out and you're going to start to feel a little bit of a sense of panic, you'll hear the news, you'll be walking back to your office and you want to get a head start before you get there but your thoughts are going to be scattering. You're going to be thinking, "Oh no! And I'll have to present in front of the president, and I feel really nervous and I'm not such a good presenter," and then you immediately think, "Oh no! I have to get to my daughter's dance recital at 6.40 p.m. and I only have two hours," and, "How am I going to get this done?" and, "What if I don't do a good job?" And you might be tempted to be resentful of your boss for dumping this on your desk at the last minute. And with all these things on your mind, when you sit down to write the presentation, your thoughts might become scattered, you might have a hard time concentrating, you might just go with the first idea that you have because you keep trying to think of a better one, but you just get locked in tunnel vision and have to get it done etc. You can get the picture but the idea that I'm trying to create there is that there's an interlocking set of responses that get created, your physiology sets up your thoughts and your perspective which sets up your actual performance, which was a little disorganized, not the most clear thinking, which then sets up a vicious cycle, which then sets you up to not sleep well at night, it's affected your physiology etc. In contrast with someone who really had a toolkit for how to handle that situation, to put them on the cycle of success under stress, so when the news comes in from your boss that you have to do this presentation you might have the presence of mind to even just take a few breaths, just to think clearly through the situation, you might ask your boss, "Do you think this approach would work well, or this approach?" and your boss can give you an answer. You have clarity as you're walking back to your desk and you're like, "OK, I'm already starting to build the presentation in my mind, I can do this." You're feeling confident as you think about presenting in front of the president and you're getting a little nervous, no problem, you have an acupressure point that immediately within seconds calms down your anxiety and nervousness. Before you sit down to write the presentation you do a one to three minute breathing technique that mentally resets you so you come into starting the presentation with clarity and focus, you're really able to bring your best thinking and better ideas, which actually gives you more control over your future than if you weren't thinking clearly in that moment, given that funding decisions are going to be made. Instead of being resentful of your boss for dropping this on you at the last minute you're thinking, "Wow, my boss really must have had confidence in me," and "I'm sure that there's things that are going on without me knowing and I'm sure that this happens for a good reason," so you're not distracted by it at all. More details to the story but you get the idea that similarly in interlocking cascade of effects but this time you're on a positive virtuous cycle, and notice that there were all these moments for intervention where if you were just equipped, if you knew how to do something that was just a different thought or a different way of calming yourself down or a different perspective or a different way of solving the problem, then the whole situation could go differently for you, which sets up the next day, which sets up the next day. And that's what it means to be on the cycle of success under stress.

Rachel Salaman: And in the book you offer so many tips that can help along that journey. One of the main themes of the book is the 50 percent rule, can you explain that?

Sharon Melnick: We experience stress when the demands of the situation exceed our perceived ability to control them, so in that situation there were so many factors that seemed out of our control, when it had to be done by, who was going to be in the room the next morning, so in that situation any time that we focus on the matters that are out of our control we are going to activate a stress reaction in our body, and I mean that quite literally. So in every situation that you face, every challenge throughout the day, you want to immediately divide it into the aspects of it that you can control and the aspects of it that you can't control, and really rigorously focus on what it is that you can control and there are so many things that are within your control, so many more than people are really aware of, so your thoughts, your reactions, your communications, your energy state etc. And so since it might be a lot to remember all of those details in the moment I've just encapsulated it for you in one rule, one mantra and that 50 percent rule is be impeccable for your 50 percent. And what that means is take 100 percent responsibility for everything that goes on within your control and really make sure that you're problem solving and focusing on being effective and expanding your repertoire of everything that you can do to manage your own self and your own contribution to the situation before you ever allow yourself to focus your attention and be drained in your energy etc by what's going on across that dividing line, what's in other people's 50 percent or what you can't control. And what my clients find is that when they just focus on what is within their own control and make it more effective then they dramatically increase their productivity, their leadership effectiveness, and decrease stress.

Rachel Salaman: Do you find that your clients ever find it difficult to figure out what is within their 50 percent that they can control and what isn't?

Sharon Melnick: Yes, and that is absolutely the question to ask, and there are a number of scenarios where that can be tricky, so let me give you some examples. First I want to say that I am not encouraging you, Rachel, or any of your listeners to be control freaks, I'm not saying that you have to be perfect and I'm not saying that you have to control everything because of course you can't, literally we do not have the remote control button for other people, but what I am saying is always strive, always be putting your effort into being effective in terms of what it is that you can control, so you can't control other people clearly, you can't force them but you can influence them, you can encourage, appreciate, motivate consequence etc, and your communications to that effect are within your control, your reactions are within your control. So that's the first point, you don't have to be a control freak but you always want to be thinking about what can I control. Clearly there's going to be many situations where there are other people who are not being impeccable for their 50 percent, and so that will be very aggravating for you if you feel like it's not going to seem fair. But here's the thing, it's that your life is really like that proverbial scenario out on the play yard where even if somebody else hits you, you know that the teacher only ever turns around when you're about to react, so your advancement and your effectiveness and your evaluations only come from what you do and what you don't do, so that's really all you want to focus on. And for people who are not being impeccable for their 50 percent, I think the way to think about it is to have a bigger picture perspective and to trust, at least I'll just share my personal belief here, that I have a sense of trust that that person will get their due, the truth will prevail in some way, particularly if they're doing whatever they're doing to me to other people, and either that person has already had their due earlier on in their life or else it's coming up and that it's not for me to dole out that kind of justice if you will, and that it's really just for me to be effective in my contribution and I think people who really focus on that are the ones whose energy and time and attention are going into the right things and they will advance.

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Rachel Salaman: Your company is called Horizon Point Inc. and the idea of horizon points and the importance of them comes through very strongly in the book, can you just briefly tell us what they are and how they can help with stress?

Sharon Melnick: Yes, the idea of the horizon point is that from everything we've discussed you can appreciate that we're all bombarded throughout the day and the horizon point, the idea is to take all of the thoughts that you have during the day, all of those 60,000 thoughts a day, and organize them into a single intention so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming, rather than going throughout your day where you feel like things are just constantly coming at you and it's like the clowns coming out of the Volkswagen van in terms of the to do list. But instead of not feeling in control, you identify who it is that you want to be as a person, what are the qualities and the attributes of who you want to be, and then you make that your purpose, because that you can control, that is the one thing that you can control, and if you have a clear idea of who you want to be and you go throughout your day just really being intentional towards that end, then that you can have control over, it gives you a sense of purpose. So, for example, I worked with a woman who was a junior partner in a big four consulting firm, and she was totally stressed out, she always felt as she had a long list of emails to return and administrative tasks to do and she really worried what people thought about her etc, and I did a 360 review on her and people called her mousy and timid, so she was not on anyone's shortlist for leadership, let's just put it that way, and she identified that who she really wanted to be was like a senior woman leader in the company, but she was not acting that way at all, in fact she would feel obligated to write up these really long technical email responses to her clients because she felt like well that's how people will know that I'm good at what I do. So she started to identify who she really wanted to be and then acted in the service of it, she started to delegate more to her team members, she started to put aside connect the dots time to really develop her strategic thinking abilities, so that she could cross sell when she was in meetings with her clients, so she could feel that she was bringing more strategic value. You can see that she started to own her value and go through her days differently, she started to act differently in the service of who it is that she wanted to be, and six months later she was appointed to the head of the regional office and nine months later she was put on the management decision making committee, so she was now on the management committee of this big four consulting firm. And that all came because she had a clear purpose, she had a filter as she went through her day, "Am I acting in the service of who it is that I want to be at my horizon point, or am I not." And that gave her guidance as to what tasks to do and which not, and how she had to reallocate her attention. So that's an example of how even though she still had all the same work and responsibilities, she was able to change how she went through her day and what she put her time and energy and attention into, and clearly it paid off. There's another example, I cite this one in the book as well, and it's one of my favorite examples and it comes from a guy who was taking my fast confidence program a few years ago, so this story is dated as you could see, and he was a residential realtor and this was during the time of the Lehman bankruptcy, which was a date that really marks the beginning of the financial downturn, and so it was not a good time for residential realtors and he was sweating, where was he going to get his next commission from and he was trying to figure out what to do with his business, it was very stressful for him, and he decided that who really wanted to be at his horizon point was like the go to guy, he wanted to be a resource, he wanted to be very well networked and known for that within the community. On the morning of the Lehman bankruptcy he had the idea to go stand outside the building, the Lehman building, and to hand out his cards to people who were going in because he was thinking well some of them are going to need to relocate, and on his way there he was certainly thinking to himself I'm so embarrassed, am I an ambulance chaser, what are people going to think about me and he practically talked himself out of it, because he was taking the fast confidence program, he knew how to just focus on the value that he was there to bring and just focus on who he wanted to be at his horizon point. So he went through with it, he gave out his cards and he only got a few clients from it, but what he did get was a story on the local news and he was written up in the New York Times. A friend of his from college saw the article on him in the New York Times and the friend lived in the Middle East and said, "Hey, you know we've been wanting to move our headquarters to New York, could you help us out?" which was a five-figure commission for him right there and a few clients, and then he became distinguished from all the other realtors out there which he used to grow his brand. So just an example of rather than focusing on all the stresses and rather than self-imposed stress in terms of his own doubts, he just oriented his actions around who he wanted to be at his horizon point, and look at how it paid off.

Rachel Salaman: And in that story you mentioned a couple of times the role of self-confidence, and in the book you offer a lot of tips around that area, particularly about how to turn self-criticism into self-confidence, I wonder if we could look at a couple of those things now. You have this idea of going direct, and you identify how stressful it can be when people focus on what other people think, can you share some of your tips around how going direct can build self-confidence and thereby reduce self-imposed stress?

Sharon Melnick: Absolutely, so when you're asking about how can we turn self-criticism into self-confidence, there are a few ways. One is going back to that idea of the 60,000 thoughts a day, that you want to make sure that those thoughts are serving you to be at your horizon point, and not taking you further away from it, and I ask people what's going on in terms of that soundtrack, because you know that inner self talk is like listening to a mental iPod, we all have an opportunity to be a better DJ of our own mental iPod as we go throughout our day, and if it would be OK with you I'd like to offer your listeners a gift which is in audio training. It goes into very specific detail about how you make any of those 60,000 thoughts a day, take them from worried or distracted or negative or self-critical to positive and focused, and they can find that gift at sharonmelnick.com/60kgift and so that's something that can get people started and being a better DJ of their own mental iPod. And then in terms of the go direct concept, imagine a triangle in your own mind, in the lower right hand corner represents a sense of confidence and security, we're all trying to get there, we're biologically and psychologically programmed to get there. Now any given moment, how you evaluate yourself is represented in the lower left hand corner, now to the extent that you have a doubt in yourself, then by definition you can't be in that lower right hand corner because you don't feel fully confident in yourself. Even if you have objective accomplishments to point to but still there is just a pocket of self-criticism or questioning your worth etc, then you'll be at that lower left hand corner. So how can you get to that place of self-confidence and security? Well, what many of us do is we go the indirect route, where, if you trace along with me in your imagination, up the left hand side of the triangle you will act towards other people in a way to try to get other people to think well of your or to not disapprove of you in order that from the top of the triangle to the lower right hand side of the triangle, so that they will validate you and approve of you and appreciate you and do business with you, or that they won't criticize you, they won't reject you etc. So these are the places that we put our time and energy and attention into, we're either trying to seek others' approval by doing favors for them, or second guessing what they want to hear from us or trying to be perfect in their evaluation, or we try to prevent their disapproval, that's why you might have a great idea in a meeting but you might not speak up with it or you might procrastinate or you might stay in your comfort zone and really not put out your bold ideas for innovation. The idea I'm trying to get at here is where is your time and your energy and attention going to, you are going the indirect route, meaning that your efforts are going into trying to manage other people's perceptions of you, instead of going direct. When you go direct, it's just a straight line from the bottom left hand corner to the bottom right hand corner, and you're not involving other people, you're not trying to control what it is that they think of you, you're really just focusing on who is going to benefit from your work, who can you bring value to, whether that's your boss who you're writing a memo or creating a spreadsheet for, whether that's the end user of your products, your consumers, whether it's your clients that you're preparing important work for, so you really want to be thinking about the value that you can bring and just putting all of your focus there.

Rachel Salaman: And another really useful idea in the book, somewhat related, is the accept or accomplish idea, can you just briefly explain that?

Sharon Melnick: Yes, we're not very objective about our own abilities, we're subjective, we see ourselves through our own filters, so what you want to do is that you want to be more factual about what abilities you do have and which ones you need to develop. Now if you're self-critical or you're a perfectionist you'll probably generalize and think that you need to be better at everything or you're not good enough at anything, and again that's going to divert your attention, so it's a very simple exercise where you lift out your perceived weaknesses and deficits, and then you don't allow yourself to stay in the open loop of "I'm not good enough anymore," that you require of yourself to make a decision once and for all. For these perceived deficits I'm either going to accept that these are true are about me, "I'm just not really good at this or not really good at that, it's just not in my nature or my skillset or my education," whatever it is, and I'm just going to accept, I'm really going to embrace my strengths and find work around, so that I don't have to keep bumping up against that in myself. Or you're going to decide that whatever that skillset is, that its mission is critical for you to be successful in your current or a future role, and so you're not going to allow yourself to keep telling yourself that I'm not good enough at it, you're going to get on it, you're going to make a plan and you're going to get a coach, you're going to get training, you're going to get mentored, whatever it's going to take and in some period of time and in a week, a month, six months, whatever it is, you are no longer going to be able to say that you're not competent in that area. So clarity is really what helps you to move out of that place where you just feel like you just keep replaying the tapes.

Rachel Salaman: Now you mentioned earlier on in the interview certain physical ways, very brief ones that can help people manage stress, there's medication, there's acupressure points, and various other things which people will be able to see in your book, how important do you think it is for people to adopt techniques like that?

Sharon Melnick: I think it's absolutely essential and I think the centrality of the physical reaction was one of the most important things I learned in writing the book because stress comes from a physical reaction and it is part of that interlocking cycle of responses that I was referring to before, and you can stop a stress reaction like that if you have the right tool. And I'll tell you, I do quite a bit of training in companies and one of the tools that I give people is how to immediately calm down when you're angry or frustrated or impatient, I call it cooling breath because when you're very aggravated or angry you get "hot under the collar" as we say, or you say your "blood was boiling," and you can set yourself up to be reactive, and if you want to maintain your poise and maintain your presence as a leader then you really want to be able to immediately keep cool, calm and collected. I always do a one month follow up to my training and one of the things that I've been surprised to hear when I ask people what have you been applying, what have been the results, it's that almost universally the number one thing that people say is oh my gosh, the cooling breath, I just walk around all day long using the cooling breath. Similarly there is an acupressure point that I call the panic reset button, so that's a perfect tool that you can use when you're in a meeting and you feel nervous about speaking up or before presenting etc. So all the tools in the book you can use and get the effect in three minutes or less, some of them really within seconds, and it's not about stress management, it's about self-management, so the more tools that you have to keep yourself in a high performance state, the more you're going to be able to stay on the cycle of success under stress and really make the contribution that you were put in your organization to make, it's a constant calibration and you want to be able to stay in the zone. So the more tools that you have to stay in the zone are actually what's going to make you successful in these times.

Rachel Salaman: Sharon Melnick, thank you very much for joining us.

Sharon Melnick: Thank you Rachel.

Rachel Salaman: The name of Sharon's book again is "Success Under Stress: Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident and Productive When the Pressure's On." You can find out more about Sharon and her work at www.sharonmelnick.com and add /60kgift to find the free audio training she mentioned.

I'll be back in a few weeks with another Expert Interview, until then goodbye.