Assertiveness
-
Getting What You Want, In a Fair Way...
Job
Stress Management from Mind Tools
Introduction:
If you are using the time
management skills explained in our Work
Overload section, then you are probably
working efficiently and effectively. If
you have fully clarified your job using
the Job
Analysis tool described in our Problem
Jobs section, and are acting appropriately,
then you can be reasonably confident that
you are concentrating your efforts on the
right activities.
If you still find you are working longer
hours than you think is fair, if you find
that your working conditions are unreasonable
or unhelpful, or if your workload is still
excessive, then you need to communicate
this and change the situation.
You can do this well and you can do this
badly.
One bad approach is to be passive in the
way you handle this, taking an inferior
position and emphasizing the power of the
person you are approaching. The advantage
of this approach is that it seems to minimize
any potential conflict arising from the
request. By acknowledging the power of the
other person, you make the granting of your
request a “favor” which can
be granted or denied irrespective of reason
or right. This weak approach is obviously
bad for your self-esteem and will mean that
you frequently do not get your way. This
will particularly be the case if other people
are applying stronger pressure in the opposite
direction.
A second bad way of doing this is to be
aggressive in your approach. Here, you actively
state what you want, and seek to force the
other person into giving it to you. While
this is sometimes successful in the short-term
(particularly where there will be no ongoing
relationship), it can damage long-term relationships
severely. This is clearly a problem if you
are dealing with your boss.
The best approach is to communicate assertively.
With an assertive approach, you ask for
what you want clearly and openly and explain
rationally why you want - all without trying
to use inappropriate emotional leverage.
By negotiating rationally with the other
person, you show respect for your working
relationship and ensure that you make a
fair contribution to the decision making
process. Assertive communication is “grownup”
communication. Without clear and open communication,
your boss will not know what you want from
your job. He or she will therefore not be
able to help you to achieve it.
Using the Tool:
Among its many other good sections, The
Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook
(see our righthand sidebar) introduces a
useful approach to assertiveness with its
LADDER mnemonic, the approach we use in
this site.
LADDER describes a
six-stage process for handling problems
in an assertive way. These are:
| L – |
Look at your
rights and what you want, and understand
your feelings about the situation |
| A – |
Arrange a meeting with
the other person to discuss the situation |
| D – |
Define the problem specifically |
| D – |
Describe your feelings
so that the other person fully understands
how you feel about the situation |
| E – |
Express what you want
clearly and concisely |
| R – |
Reinforce the other person
by explaining the mutual benefits of
adopting the site of action you are
suggesting. |
We look at these in more detail below:
L – Look at your
rights and what you want, and understand
your feelings about the situation
The first stage of the process is to look
objectively at the problem. Do what you
can to cut away the emotion involved with
it. Try to understand why you feel that
your rights are being violated, or why you
feel that something is wrong with the situation.
You may find that the Emotional Analysis
tool in our Rational
Thinking section helps you with this.
Also helping you to understand your rights,
the Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook
has a useful table showing traditional incorrect
assumptions and how these compare against
the legitimate, fair rights that you can
reasonably expect to have. This is shown
in the table below.
As we grow up, we are exposed to many views
of how we should conduct ourselves. These
come from many different sources. Some of
these are appropriate for us as children,
but not as adults. Others reflect old fashioned
or autocratic ways of thinking that have
more recently been superceded. Others arise
from the many inconsistent and conflicting
belief systems we are exposed to in daily
life. All of these can lie at the root of
these incorrect assumptions.
Your
Legitimate Rights
Reprinted with permission from the Stress
& Relaxation Workbook by Martha Davis
PhD et al, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland,
CA.
|
Mistaken Traditional Assumption |
Your Legitimate Rights |
| 1. |
It is selfish to put your
needs before others’ needs. |
You have a
right to put yourself first sometimes. |
| 2. |
It is shameful to make mistakes. You
should have an appropriate response
for every occasion. |
You have a right to make
some mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable,
particularly when you are stretching
yourself to do something new or original. |
| 3. |
If you can’t convince others
that your feelings are reasonable, then
the feelings must be wrong, or maybe
you are going crazy. |
You have a right to be
the final judge of your feelings and
accept them as legitimate. [See the
Mind Tools Emotional
Analysis Tool for more on this] |
| 4. |
You should respect the views of others,
especially if they are in a position
of authority. Keep your differences
of opinion to yourself. Listen and learn. |
You have a right to have
your own opinions and convictions. |
| 5. |
You should always try to be logical
and consistent. |
You have a right to change your
mind and decide on a different site
of action. |
| 6. |
You should be flexible and adjust.
Others have good reasons for their actions
and it is not polite to question them. |
You have a right to protest against
unfair treatment or criticism. |
| 7. |
You should never interrupt people.
Asking questions reveals your stupidity
to others. |
You have a right to interrupt in order
to ask for clarification. |
| 8. |
Things could get even worse. Don’t
rock the boat. |
You have a right to negotiate
for change. |
| 9. |
You shouldn’t take up other
people’s valuable time with your
problems. |
You have a right to ask
for help or for emotional support. |
| 10. |
People don’t want to hear that
you feel bad, so keep it to yourself. |
You have a right to feel
and express pain. |
| 11. |
When someone takes the time to give
you advice, you should take it very
seriously. They are often right. |
You have a right to ignore the advice
of others. |
| 12. |
Knowing that you did something well
is its own reward. People don’t
like show-offs. Successful people are
secretly disliked and envied. Be modest
when complimented. |
You have a right to receive
formal recognition for your work and
your achievements. |
| 13. |
You should always try to accommodate
others. If you don’t, they won’t
be there when you need them. |
You have a right to say
“No”. |
| 14. |
Don’t be anti-social. People
are going to think you don’t like
them if you say you’d rather be
alone instead of with them. |
You have a right to be
alone, even if others would prefer your
company. |
| 15. |
You should always have a good reason
for everything you feel and do. |
You have a right not to
justify yourself to others. |
| 16 |
When someone is in trouble, you should
help them. |
You have a right not to take responsibility
for someone else’s problem. |
| 17. |
You need to be sensitive to the needs
and wishes of others, even when they
are unable to tell you what they want. |
You have a right not to
have to anticipate others’ needs
and wishes. |
| 18. |
It is always good policy to stay on
people’s good side. |
You have a right not to
always worry about the goodwill of others. |
| 19. |
It is not nice to put people off.
If questioned, give an answer. |
You have a right to choose
not to respond to a situation. |
A – Arrange a Meeting
with the Other Person to Discuss the Situation
By arranging a formal meeting with the
other person, you show the importance of
the situation to you. You also ensure that
due time is allocated to discussing it.
Note that in spontaneous situations it may
be appropriate to discuss the problem straight
away.
D – Define the Problem
Specifically
In defining the problem, keep information
objective and uncolored by emotion. Make
sure that your comments are correct, and
that they are supported by facts where appropriate.
In talking about the facts underlying a
situation, you give the other person an
opportunity to give you additional information.
This may change your perception of how things
are.
D – Describe Your
Feelings So That the Other Person Fully
Understands How You Feel About the Situation
Once you have explained the facts of the
situation, explain how you feel about it.
This helps the other person to understand
how important it is that the situation is
resolved in a satisfactory manner.
In doing this, do not attack or blame the
other person for the problem. Explain how
the situation affects you.
Tip:
If you find that you start to get
emotional when you describe your feelings,
use imagery
to help you out. For example, if you
start to get upset, imagine that you
move your feelings into a box on the
table beside you. Then describe the
contents of the box to the other person.
You should find that this helps you
to dissociate yourself from your feelings
so that you can talk about them objectively. |
E – Express What
You Want Clearly and Concisely
Say precisely what you want to happen to
resolve the situation. Keep your message
short, clear, direct and unambiguous. Be
polite in your expression of this; however,
do not confuse your message.
R – Reinforce Your
Message to the Other Person
Explain the benefits of the site of action
that you want to the other person. Show
him or her how doing what you want will
improve the situation.
Be careful in expressing negative consequences
of not taking the action, as making threats
can damage working relationships. In some
cases, however, the negative consequences
of not taking action may need to be spelled
out.
Summary:
Using an assertive approach to communicating
is a fair and adult way of raising, and
dealing with, difficulties in your relationships
with powerful people. In using an assertive
approach, you avoid both the weakness of
passivity and the relationship and career
damage that comes from excessive aggression.
Assertive approaches avoid the game-play
of passive and aggressive communication.
They promote clear communication and, because
all relevant facts and emotions are considered,
are more likely to bring about a successful
resolution of the situation.
By being able to communicate clearly, you
can bring stress-creating problems and issues
to the attention of people who have the
power to do something about them. Most managers
are rational human beings who want to keep
their teams happy recognizing that this
actually helps teams to perform well. Often,
the main obstacle to this is that people
do not communicate problems. You may be
surprised by how willing powerful people
are to help you out.
Click here
to find out how to manage "unreasonable
demands" .
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