Asking for What You Want Firmly and Fairly
Do you often feel as though you fail to get your opinions heard, or that people readily dismiss or undermine your views? Maybe you have a habit of handling situations aggressively, or lack the confidence to speak up.
You might have felt unable to do anything about it at the time, but by learning how to be more assertive, you can stand up for yourself, and become a strong and confident communicator.
In this article, we'll look at why assertiveness is important, and explore some strategies that you can use to become more assertive to further both your confidence and influencing skills.
Click here to view a transcript of this video.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a key skill that can help you to better manage yourself, people and situations. It can help you to influence others in order to gain acceptance, agreement or behavior change.
It is the ability to express your opinions positively and with confidence. Assertive people are in control of themselves and are honest with themselves and others.
Assertiveness vs. Aggression
It's not always easy to identify truly assertive behavior. This is because there's a fine line between assertiveness and aggression, and people can often confuse the two. For this reason, it's useful to define the two behaviors so that we can clearly separate them:
- Assertiveness is based on balance. It requires being forthright about your wants and needs, while still considering the rights, needs and wants of others. When you're assertive, you are self-assured and draw power from this to get your point across firmly, fairly and with empathy.
- Aggressive behavior is based on winning. You do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings, or desires of other people. When you're aggressive, the power you use is selfish. You may come across as pushy or even bullying. You take what you want, often without asking.
So, a boss who places a pile of work on your desk the afternoon before you go on vacation, and demands that it gets done straight away, is being aggressive. The work needs to be done but, by dumping it on you at an inappropriate time, they disregard your needs and feelings.
When you, on the other hand, inform your boss that the work will be done but only after you return from vacation, you hit the sweet spot between passivity (not being assertive enough) and aggression (being hostile, angry or rude). You assert your own rights while recognizing your boss's need to get the job done.
The Benefits of Being Assertive
Being assertive allows you to communicate your wants and needs more authoritatively, while remaining fair and empathetic. It can also help you to become more self-confident, and even improve your mental health. 
Assertiveness provides several other benefits that can help you both in your workplace and in other areas of your life. In general, assertive people:
- Make great managers. They get things done by treating people with fairness and respect, and are treated by others the same way in return. This means that they are often well-liked and seen as leaders that people want to work with. 
- Negotiate successful "win-win" solutions. They are able to recognize the value of their opponent's position and can quickly find common ground with them.
- Are better doers and problem solvers. They feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution to the problems that they encounter.
- Are less anxious and stressed. They are self-assured and don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or as expected. 
- Have greater job satisfaction. They feel confident to say "yes" to the person and "no" to the task, and maintain boundaries.
The Risks of Being Assertive
Some organizational and national cultures prefer people to be passive, and may view assertive behavior as rude or even offensive. Research has also suggested that gender can have a bearing on how assertive behavior is perceived, with men more likely to be rewarded for being assertive than women. 
However, this doesn't mean that you should simply succumb to the status quo! Rather, be bold while avoiding naivety.
There is also a risk that you could go too far. If you become too assertive, you may begin to stop listening to others despite them having good ideas. This will only act to alienate your colleagues and damage relationships. Avoid this by experimenting with small steps at first, until you find what works for you in your workplace. A little assertion at the right time can be a highly effective way of developing your profile and self-esteem.
How to Be Assertive
It's not always easy to become more assertive, but it is possible. So, if your disposition or workplace tends to be more passive or aggressive than assertive, then it's a good idea to work on the following areas to help you to get the balance right:
1. Value Yourself and Your Rights
This self-belief is the basis of self-confidence and assertive behavior. It will help you to recognize that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, give you the confidence to stick up for your rights and protect your boundaries, and to remain true to yourself, your wants and your needs.
While self-confidence is an important aspect of assertiveness, it's crucial that you make sure that it doesn't develop into a sense of self-importance. Your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as everyone else's, but not more important than anyone else's.
2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently
If you're going to perform to your full potential then you need to make sure that your priorities – your needs and wants – are met.
Don't wait for someone else to recognize what you need. You might wait forever! Take the initiative and start to identify the things that you want now. Then, set goals so that you can achieve them.
Once you've done this, you can tell your boss or your colleague exactly what it is that you need from them to help you to achieve these goals in a clear and confident way. And don't forget to stick to your guns. Even if what you want isn't possible right now, ask (politely) whether you can revisit your request in six months time.
Find ways to make requests that avoid sacrificing others' needs. Remember, you want people to help you, and asking for things in an overly aggressive or pushy way is likely to put them off doing this and may even damage your relationship.
3. Acknowledge That You Can't Control Other People's Behavior
Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your assertiveness. If they, for example, act angry or resentful toward you, try to avoid reacting to them in the same way.
Remember that you can only control yourself and your own behavior, so do your best to stay calm and measured if things get tense. As long as you are being respectful and not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.
The LADDER mnemonic is an effective way of assertively resolving problems. Mind Tools Club members can read about it in our Bite-Sized Training session, Developing Assertiveness.
4. Express Yourself in a Positive Way
It's important to say what's on your mind, even when you have a difficult or negative issue to deal with. But you must do it constructively and sensitively.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and to confront people who challenge you and/or your rights. You can even allow yourself to be angry! But remember to control your emotions and to stay respectful at all times.
5. Be Open to Criticism and Compliments
Accept both positive and negative feedback graciously, humbly and positively.
If you don't agree with criticism that you receive then you need to be prepared to say so, but without getting defensive or angry. The Feedback Matrix is a great tool that can help you to see past your emotional reactions to feedback, and instead use it to achieve significant, positive change.
6. Learn to Say "No"
Saying "no" is hard to do, especially when you're not used to doing it, but it's vital if you want to become more assertive.
Knowing your own limits and how much work you are able to take on will help you to manage your tasks more effectively, and to pinpoint any areas of your job that make you feel as though you're being taken advantage of.
Remember that you can't possibly do everything or please everyone, so it's important that you protect your time and your workload by saying "no" when necessary. When you do have to say "no," try to find a win-win solution that works for everyone.
7. Review Your Progress
Every time that you try out your assertiveness, spend a couple of minutes afterward asking yourself, "How did I handle that?" "What did I do well?" "What might I do differently next time?" This will keep you on track and help you to identify areas for development.
If you experience a setback, don't let it deter you. Instead, try to learn from it. It is important to recognize your successes and keep your failures in perspective.
Assertive Communication Techniques
In addition to the above strategies, there are a number of simple but effective communication techniques that you can use to become more assertive. These are:
Use "I want", "I need" or "I feel" to convey basic assertions and get your point across firmly. For example, "I feel strongly that we need to bring in a third party to mediate this disagreement."
Always try to recognize and understand how the other person views the situation. Then, after taking their point of view into consideration, express what you need from them.
If your first attempts at asserting yourself have been unsuccessful, then you may need to escalate the matter further. This means becoming firmer (though still polite and respectful) with the person who you are requesting help from, and may end in you telling them what you will do next if you still aren't satisfied, such as starting the disciplinary process.
However, remember that, regardless of the consequences that you communicate to the person in question, you may still not get what you want in the end. If this is the case, you may need to take further action by setting up a formal meeting to talk about the problem, or escalating your concerns to Human Resources or your boss.
Ask for More Time
Sometimes, it's best not to say anything straight away. You might be too emotional or you might not know what it is that you want yet. If this is the case, be honest and tell the person that you need a few minutes to compose your thoughts.
Change Your Verbs
Try using verbs that are more definite and emphatic when you communicate. This will help you to send a clear message and avoid "sugar-coating" your message so much that people are left confused by what it is that you want from them.
To do this, use verbs like "will" instead of "could" or "should," "want" instead of "need," or "choose to" instead of "have to."
"I will be going on vacation next week, so I will need someone to cover my workload."
"I want to go on this training course because I believe that it will help me to progress in my role and my career."
"I choose this option because I think it will prove to be more successful than the other options on the table."
Be a Broken Record
Prepare the message that you want to convey ahead of time.
If, for instance, you can't take on any more work, be direct and say, "I cannot take on any more projects right now." If people still don't get the message, then keep restating your message using the same language, and don't relent. Eventually they will realize that you really mean what you're saying.
Be careful with the broken record technique. If you use it to protect yourself from exploitation, that's good. But if you use it to bully someone into taking action that's against their interests, it can be manipulative and dishonest.
It can often be hard to know how to put your feelings across clearly and confidently to someone when you need to assert yourself. The scripting technique can help here. It allows you to prepare what you want to say in advance, using a four-pronged approach that describes:
The event. Tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem.
"Janine, the production costs this month are 23 percent higher than average. You didn't give me any indication of this, which meant that I was completely surprised by the news."
Your feelings. Describe how you feel about the situation and express your emotions clearly.
"This frustrates me, and makes me feel like you don't understand or appreciate how important financial controls are in the company."
Your needs. Tell the other person exactly what you need from them so that they don't have to guess.
"I need you to be honest with me, and let me know when we start going significantly over budget on anything."
The consequences. Describe the positive impact that your request will have for the other person or the company if your needs are met successfully.
"If you do this, we will be in a good position to hit our targets and may get a better end-of-year bonus."
Being assertive means finding the right balance between passivity (not assertive enough) and aggression (angry or hostile behavior). It means having a strong sense of yourself and your value, and acknowledging that you deserve to get what you want. And it means standing up for yourself even in the most difficult situations.
Being assertive doesn't mean dominating or dismissing others in order to get what you want. Acting in your own interest without considering other people's rights, feelings, desires, or needs is aggression.
You can learn to be more assertive over time by identifying your needs and wants, expressing them in a positive way, and learning to say "no" when you need to. You can also use assertive communication techniques to help you to communicate your thoughts and feelings firmly and directly.
It likely won't happen overnight but, by practicing these techniques regularly, you will slowly build up the confidence and self-belief that you need to become assertive. You'll also likely find that you become more productive, efficient and respected, too.
This site teaches you the skills you need for a happy and successful career; and this is just one of many tools and resources that you'll find here at Mind Tools. Subscribe to our free newsletter, or join the Mind Tools Club and really supercharge your career!