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Although it is a normal and mostly healthy emotion, unless anger is expressed or controlled, it can easily get out of our control. This article outlines some effective techniques to help deal with anger, including the renowned CUDSAIR model.
What Is Anger and How Is It Caused?
Charles Spielberger PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of human relationships, describes anger as:
" … an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage." [1]
Anger and frustration are often caused by very real and inescapable problems, be they personal problems or work-related incidents. It can be directed at a specific person (e.g. co-workers, members of the public or superiors), an event (e.g. missed deadlines), or even an object (e.g. a piece of malfunctioning equipment).
Not all anger is misplaced, and often it is a healthy, natural response to certain difficulties, so long as it is expressed correctly.
It is also a mistake to think that anger can be avoided – it is an intrinsic emotion and it can’t be eliminated entirely. Even with every effort to avoid it, things will happen in a person’s life that will cause them to be angry. The focus should not be on changing the events themselves, but on the way such events affect the person.
The CUDSAIR Structure
Professor Richard Nelson Jones, Director of the Cognitive Humanistic Institute, has developed a well-regarded structure that any person can apply when they are having trouble controlling their anger with another party. It is called CUDSAIR: [2]
- Confront. The problem is confronted. The nature of the problem and how it makes the person feel is expressed. It is important that it is the problem and not the person that is confronted, so that joint ownership of its resolution is undertaken.
- Understand. Each other’s view of the situation is detailed and understood. The parties identify areas where they disagree. At this stage they don’t discuss the disagreements – they merely agree to disagree.
- Define. The overall problem is then defined by the disagreements highlighted above, as this will be where the issue(s) causing the anger and frustration will lie.
- Search. This stage involves searching for solutions. People can be as outlandish or creative as they want to be when generating ideas for solutions, so long as they do not resort to making personal attacks.
- Agree. The solution then has to be agreed. This is probably the most delicate part of the process, as concessions and acknowledgments may have to be made. The resulting solution may not be ideal for both parties, but it should be better than the problems created by the anger.
- Implement. The agreed solution is then implemented, and both parties work together to ensure its success.
- Review. Finally, after a pre-determined period of time, the solution is reviewed. It is possible that, after a period of working successfully together, the solution could be refined so that relations are further improved.
Techniques to Control Anger
There are many techniques that people can try themselves to control anger, without having to resort to anger management or counseling sessions. The following techniques are merely guidelines and do not constitute advice. Anyone looking for individual advice on controlling their own anger should consult a professional in the field.
Relaxation. Taking the time out to relax can dissipate anger. You could read a book, watch a film or spend time with friends. Even simpler - breathe deeply, from the diaphragm, while inwardly repeating the word ‘relax’ until a state of relaxation is achieved. (There are numerous books and courses that teach relaxation techniques to call upon in any situation.)
Visualization. Visualizing a calm or happy place or experience, from memory or imagination, can be an effective way of deflating angry feelings. You can do this unobtrusively, even in the midst of the situation causing anger.
Exercise. Non-strenuous, exercises such as yoga or ti-chi can relax the muscles and make you feel more calm and centered. More physically demanding exercise, like running or racquet sports, can be a great stress reliever and can leave you on a high.
Cognitive restructuring. Essentially, this means changing the way a person thinks. Cognitive restructuring directs people to replace overly negative or aggressive thoughts with more rational ones. For example: "This is an utter nightmare – everything is ruined and I know exactly who to blame!" …becomes… "This is frustrating, and it is understandable that I am frustrated, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix anything."
Angry people tend to demand things and when their demands aren’t met their disappointment becomes anger. As part of cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something.
Applying logical thinking. Logic always wins over anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. When in a state of anger, you should try to apply logical thinking to the situation, e.g. a mishap or mistake doesn’t mean the whole world is out to get you, or one mistake doesn’t have to mean disaster.
Problem solving. Often there is a solution to every problem, and if a specific problem is causing the anger then it is always best to work practically to find that solution. The fundamental thing here is not to get frustrated if the answer does not come right away. Make a plan to find the solution (a quick mental one or a detailed written strategy) and track its progress. That way, you will satisfy yourself that things are moving forward.
Effective communication. Angry people tend to jump to, and act on, conclusions that are often inaccurate. It is much better, when in a heated discussion, to slow down and think through responses. The first thing that comes into your head should not be said. Instead, think carefully about what you want to say and what someone is saying to you. It's natural to get defensive when criticized, and the mistake many angry people make is to not listen to the message in the words. Often these messages are constructive, and taking the time to process them can mean a positive, rather than hostile, relationship is cultivated.
Changing environment. It is often your surroundings that cause irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the situation and place you yourself in. Something as simple as a change of scenery can make a world of difference. E.g. if you know the office will be busy and this will irritate you, arrange to work from home or in a quiet space.
Setting boundaries. If there is a particular time of the day you get irritated, you can set boundaries to lessen its impact. If you aren't your best in the mornings, make everyone aware that the first 15 minutes of the day aren’t the best time to approach you with a complex problem. After quiet time, you will feel better prepared to handle the demands of the day without becoming aggressive.
