The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret to Resolving Conflicts Large and Small

Sounds like a tall order, but that's exactly what "The Triangle of Truth" sets out to teach. This model for solving conflicts is based on some of the world's most celebrated thinkers such as the Buddha and Albert Einstein. It teaches us how to elevate our thinking, so that instead of putting our energy into defending our position and convincing others we're right, we focus on finding an all-encompassing solution.

According to the author, the Triangle of Truth model allows us to create a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. It teaches us how to get rid of "either/or" thinking, and shift our perspective to include the truth of all sides of the argument.

This is the type of book that all of us can learn something from. Whether we're arguing with our kids, our spouse, our team, or a client, "The Triangle of Truth" offers powerful new ways of thinking, so that we can find a solution that works for everyone. The result? Effective change. Stronger relationships. Greater happiness. And more peace in our lives.

Lisa McLeod is a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, business consultant, and founder of McLeod and More, an international business consulting firm. She's coached some of the world's largest companies and helped them manage conflict and develop their leaders.

So, keep listening to find out how to look at your team members so you see the best and the worst in them, why your intention is so important in your relationships, and a useful technique that can help you dissolve any argument you're in.

"The Triangle of Truth" is built on seven basic principles, with a chapter devoted to each one. The seven principles are Embrace And, Make Peace with Ambiguity, Hold Space for Other Perspectives, Seek Higher Ground, Discern Intent, Elevate Others, and Be the Peace.

Think of these principles as a pyramid. The foundation of the pyramid is the first principle, more important and wider than all the other, with the rest building on top, diminishing in importance and size. Be the Peace is the smallest one, at the very top of the pyramid.

So, let's start with the first principle, called Embrace And.

Here's a quick question. How many times have you made a judgment about someone you work with? Perhaps they told you a white lie, and from then on you thought of them as a liar. That judgment became the lens you viewed them through for everything. You might have ignored or minimized the good qualities they had, and let that one bad behavior overshadow everything else. Once they were labeled a liar, they were a liar forever.

No matter how principled we are, most of us have done this at least once. And, we've likely done it time and time again. This is the basis of either/or thinking. We classify people as either this or that, simply because our brains like classification and order.

The problem is that either/or thinking closes us off from the truth and keeps us stuck in the same old problems. It causes prejudice, stalemate, and war, and it undermines our relationships, and our organizations. Once we've labeled and classified someone, it's very hard to get them out of that box.

It's sometimes easier to see either/or thinking in others than ourselves. After all, we're bound to know ourselves better than we know other people. We know if we tell a white lie, it doesn't mean we're a pathological liar. We can be ambitious about our own success and still care about the organization's best interests. We tend not to apply either/or thinking to ourselves because we know we're not this or that one hundred percent of the time. We're both – and lots of other things besides.

The author says we can learn to recognize the truth about other people the way that we recognize the truth within ourselves. That is, we can learn to see that other people may be both self-absorbed and altruistic. Manipulative and kind. Wanting to win individually and wanting the best for their organization.

According to the author, it's all about the word "and." Learning to think with and can be very powerful. It allows us to assimilate two seemingly-conflicting views about a person or idea, so we put them together to create something greater. We learn to recognize the best, and the worst, in everyone. And we learn that contradictory thoughts and behavior can exist side by side in the same person.

Now, as you might imagine this is easy to understand intellectually, but hard to put into practice. And unfortunately, there aren't any useful tips or tricks to show us how. Although the author makes some interesting points in this first chapter, and approaches the topic in an eye-opening way, she leaves it up to us to figure out how to actually apply this technique to the way we approach the people around us.

Another useful principle is number three, called Hold Space for Other Perspectives. This chapter is especially relevant for anyone working in a team, because it teaches us how to merge our agenda with someone else's so that we both come out ahead.

A common problem is that much of the time, we feel as if it has to be one or the other. This ties in directly with either/or thinking. We think that it either has to be our agenda, or the other person's, and that it can't be both. This is why some teams dissolve into fierce argument. Everyone is so busy proving their point they don't have room to honestly consider someone else's position. However, there are ways we can adjust our thinking so that our arguments with teammates are reduced or even eliminated.

The author gives us a great real-life case study here that helps illustrate her point.

Karen is a superstar pharmaceutical sales rep. When she walks in the door to a doctor's office everyone, from the physicians to the office manager to the patients, want to talk to her. It's like everyone is under a spell; they all respond positively to her. As a result, Karen is her company's top sales rep in the country.

The author spent a day with her on her rounds, and asked her what her secret was. Karen gave a surprising answer. She said she started out each morning imagining how her day was going to be. She wanted people to respond positively to her, and she wanted to help people. Then, when she was out talking to doctors and nurses, she always thought about the patients she was ultimately helping. She approached each day with love, and the understanding that all these doctors and nurses had the same goals she did.

Now, compare Karen's outlook to another sales rep who approaches each day with the drive to succeed so he can make his sales quota. His goal is to sell a certain amount of product, and that's it.

The difference is intention. Karen truly cares about the doctors and patients she's helping and wants to make a difference, while the other sales rep is mostly focused on the bottom line.

Our thoughts and intentions have a huge impact on how other people perceive us, on a subtle level. For instance, our thoughts affect our body language in a big way, and people around us pick up on this immediately. Karen radiates caring, loving thoughts. Other sales reps radiate a self-serving image.

Now, this all might sound a bit New Agey. And you might be wondering what it has to do with real business. Well, the author says how you project your intentions when you approach a team meeting, or any other kind of interaction, affects the outcome.

If you're concerned with getting your own way instead of finding the best solution for everyone, the people around you will pick up on that. If you're concerned with making a sale instead of truly connecting with your client and wanting to help them out, they're going to pick up on that too.

The best leaders, and the best salespeople, know their goals. But they care just as much for the person on the other side of the equation. They truly want to hear what the other person has to say so they can find the best solution.

Now, you may have heard this all before. And if you're in sales, you'll know how important it is that you care about the other person in any interaction. The point here is subtle. We really have to care. Simply acting like it, or paying lip service to it, doesn't work. People can always pick up on when we're being insincere.

So how can you let go of your own agenda and truly care about the person across from the table from you? The author says the best performers, whether in business or in private, have enough confidence in their solution to tolerate uncertainty. They know they can help in a situation, but they're not attached to having it play out in any given way. So, they can set their own goals aside and put all their energy into helping the other person and understanding their perspective.

The author ties all this together towards the end of this chapter. We have a far higher chance of success in all our interactions if we'll start by putting our own agenda aside just for a bit. This leaves us a space in our mind to find out what the other person's perspective is. When we approach people with that openness, great things can happen.

There's a useful bit of insight the author gives us here about resolving conflicts using this principle. Much of the time, we can completely change the course of a conflict by validating the other person's perspective. You can do this by describing, in your own words, what the other person is saying and feeling. You have to show them that you understand where they're coming from. This doesn't mean you have to agree with them, not by any means. You just have to validate their perspective.

Only when they feel you've heard their side will they feel confident and open enough to hear yours. And, that's when you can both start working together.

Another insightful chapter is chapter five, which is titled Discovering Intent. Here, the author shows us why our knowing our intentions, and discovering the intent of those around us, is so important. Especially when we're in a conflict.

For instance, when we're in a conflict it's easy to dismiss the solutions everyone else is coming up with. After all, we might not like those ideas, or we might think someone is trying to ruin the project out of spite. This is why we need to take the time to discover the true intentions of everyone else. Often, the author says, if we dig behind the solutions to find their intent, we find out that we do agree with them. She gives us some case studies that show how others have done in this in the past.

Every chapter in this book is just as philosophical as the ones we've covered here. They're all full of valuable insights and have the power to change how we think about communicating and negotiating with the people around us.

So, what's our last word on "The Triangle of Truth"?

This book offers a unique blend of business insights, relationship self-help, and spirituality. Yes, it's a strange combination, but it works. Without a doubt, there are some powerful insights in this book that anyone, from a top executive to a college grad, can use to improve their relationships and solve conflicts.

"The Triangle of Truth" is a book you'll want to read slowly, giving yourself time to digest each principle as you go along. This is the kind of book that can be transformative, if you take the author's insights to heart.

However, don't think this book is a heavyweight. It's not difficult to read, or understand. The author did a great job keeping this book accessible and personal. You'll just want to digest it slowly.

One criticism is that the author doesn't give many practical tips in the book. She goes into great detail about each of the seven principles, but leaves it at that. It's up to us to take these insights and put them to work in our own lives.

It's also worth noting that some of the author's points come across as a bit idealistic. After all, there's a very good chance they won't work in every situation, as not all human behavior is predictable. Our advice is to read the book with a grain of salt. Take these lessons to heart, and use them in your life. But, keep in mind that they might be challenging to apply, or they might not work at all.

"The Triangle of Truth," by Lisa McLeod, is published by the Penguin Group.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.