Escape the "Yes" trap...

Mind Tools Newsletter 63 - 12th December 2006 This newsletter is published by Mind Tools Ltd of 2nd Floor, 145-157 St John Street, London, EC1V 4PY, UK. You have received it because you have subscribed to our double opt-in newsletter. To subscribe or unsubscribe, just click the links at the bottom of this email.

Contents: What's New Escape the “Yes” Trap Mind Tools Store A Final Note

Almost the last Mind Tools newsletter of 2006: I can hardly believe that it's already December!

Today's article, "Escape the Yes Trap", is a curiously appropriate one for this time of year. With the huge number of things we're all trying to achieve as the holiday season approaches, saying "no" when necessary becomes truly important. Find out how here!

The article comes from Sharon Juden, one of Mind Tools' career and life coaches. As well as coaching individuals, Sharon runs the ever-popular coaching clinics within the Mind Tools Career Excellence Club.

In true Mind Tools style, these provide exercises that help you work through challenges that you're likely to face in your working life. "Escape the Yes Trap" was featured in the Club last month and prompted lively discussion amongst club members.

What's New?

Elsewhere within the site, the last fortnight has seen an elegant and thoughtful piece from Bruna, looking at "The Uncertainty Factor." In this, she looks at how you can operate successfully in times of uncertainty and change. And in our guest article, "TRIZ - A powerful methodology for creative problem solving," leading creativity experts Katie Barry, Ellen Domb and Michael S Slocum introduce us to this powerful, industrial-strength creativity process.

Within the Career Excellence Club in the last 2 weeks, key articles have focused on Getting a Good Night's Sleep, Dealing with Office Politics, and Networking - all key issues and skills. And yesterday's Book Insight focused on "Repacking Your Bags" by Richard J Leider and David A Shapiro, a useful book that helps you work out where you are now, where you’d like to head next in your work and personal life, and what baggage you do – and don’t – need to get there. Click here to see everything new at the Club within the last two weeks.

Have an excellent two weeks, and Happy Holidays!

James & Rachel

James Manktelow and Rachel Thompson
MindTools.com
Mind Tools – Essential skills for an excellent career!

To find out about new tools on the Mind Tools site the moment they’re uploaded, click here to subscribe to the Mind Tools RSS feed (you'll need an RSS newsreader installed), or here to find out more about RSS.

What Members Say About the Career Excellence Club:
"I have recommended the club to many people. I tell them just to go to the website and check it out. I have almost completed the leadership programme. It has shown me where I need to grow, and given me lots of inspiration. This is my favourite website ever!!!!"

Julie Toby, Queensland, Australia

New Article

The “Yes” Trap

By Sharon Juden

How many times do you find yourself pushed to breaking point with deadlines, ‘to-do’ lists, your own expectations and desires, and then someone comes along and asks a ‘little favor’. And what do you say? “No, Sorry, I’m too busy at the moment” or “OK, I’ll see what I can do for you.”

If, like me, you use the second response more times than you care to remember, we have to ask ourselves: “Why on earth do we DO IT??”

By saying “yes” when it really doesn’t suit, what are you telling the world? – Or, to put it more pointedly, what do you THINK you’re telling the world?

Understanding Individual Differences in Motivation (Questions 5, 9, 10, 11)

Exercise: Take a moment to think about the times when you've said "yes" to a project or task, when really you've meant "no". And write down the signals you hoped you were sending out to the world.

The “Yes” Trap
Do you fall into the “yes” trap because you want people to know:

1. You’re super-efficient and capable
   
2. You’re reliable and dependable
   
3. You’re indispensable
   
4. You’re a go-getter and high achiever
   
5. You’re hard-working and therefore worthy of your salary or the salary you’re working towards

Some of these reasons will probably resonate. But, when you say “yes”, is that how people really perceive you? Or do they perhaps see you just as a sure way of getting something done with the minimum of fuss and negotiation?

Exercise: Now take a moment to think about how you feel when you say “yes” but really want to say “no”. I’m guessing that there’s at least as much negative feeling as positive. Then think about the signals that other people will be picking up.

By saying “yes” what are you subconsciously telling yourself (and other people)? Perhaps that:

6. You don’t value your own time
   
7. You don’t value your own goals and needs
   
8. You’re an easy option with no boundaries in place
   
9. You don’t respect yourself, so why should anyone else?

While there is much debate in both philosophy as to whether or not (and to what extent) we create our reality, there is little doubt that we create our experience of reality when we represent things in our mind: If we think that by saying "yes" we will be that super-efficient, reliable, indispensable, go-getting person (points 1-5 above), then we will continue to say "yes". Even when common sense (and maybe our well-meaning friends) will tell us otherwise.

Learning to Choose “No”
The most important choice each of us has in life is to choose our priorities. What you do, and the outcome you achieve, is a direct result of the choices you make and the priorities you give to every task and project you encounter.

If saying “yes” leaves you feeling frustrated and stressed, annoyed with yourself, and feeling, deep down, more like a person described by points 6 to 9 above, then perhaps you’re putting your priorities in the wrong place.

Try choosing “no” more often: When “no” is the right answer for you, say it politely, assertively and with conviction. See how much better that can make you feel.

The moment you recognize your needs and priorities, and find a better way to meet them, you’ll find better peace of mind, and life will change for the better.

Exercise: Now think again about the times you’ve said “yes”, when really you wanted to say “no”. Practice saying “no” politely and firmly. Remember, when “no” is the right answer, you’re not making excuses; A brief and honest explanation of your reasons should suffice.

“No” is hard for many of people to say. We all like to feel appreciated and useful to others. But it’s often far better to say “no” and concentrate on a few great wins, than to say “yes” after “yes” after “yes” and deliver poor results on the things that matter most.

Either you’ll do it voluntarily and deliberately, or you’ll do it when you collapse with a nervous breakdown. You owe it to yourself to take control of your own life and make the hard choices now, when they may be uncomfortable but at least they are do-able.

Take heed of the wise words of Stever Robbins, leadership and efficiency expert: “Something’s got to give. Don’t let it be you.”

Sharon Juden leads Coaching Clinics in the Mind Tools Career Excellence Club. She is also a member of the Mind Tools Career and Life Coaching team, offering one-to-one personal coaching by telephone.

http://www.mindtools.com/php/coaching/CoachingForm.htm

The Mind Tools Store:

• The Career Excellence Club (The Mind Tools members area): Make career development and every-day part of your life with member-only discussion forums, the Mind Tools Extended Toolkit, downloadable MP3-based Book Insights and Interviews, regular coaching, training, and much, much more. More >>
  
  
• Make Time for Success: If you feel overloaded and out of control, you'll love Make Time for Success! Learn the 39 essential personal effectiveness techniques that help you bring your workload under control and maximize your productivity, so that you can make the most of the opportunities open to you. More >>
  
  
• How to Lead: Discover the Leader Within You: Learn the 48 simple but essential skills you need to create an inspiring vision of the future, get the very best from your team, and become a top leader in your industry. More >>

A Final Note From James

For many of us, the next two weeks see the Holiday Season in full swing, with the major festivals of Hanukkah running between December 15 and December 23, Christmas on December 25th, and Kwanzaa running between December 26th and January 1 (apologies to anyone whose festival I've missed!) To everybody celebrating, have a great time, and Happy Holidays!

At Mind Tools, we're already "limbering up" for an exciting New Year. Join us on 27 December as we review team members' top tools of 2006, and focus on how to get the very best from 2007! It's going to be an exciting newsletter, so make sure you join us!

And to everyone: Have a wonderful two weeks!

James

James Manktelow

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